the inch worm

It's almost kind of funny, yet incredibly frustrating and somewhat pathetic. It seems like with everything in my life I'm so close to having it really good, but it's always at an arms length. It's like it's so close, and yet so far. I feel like with minimal changes and work (and perhaps some bravery), I should be able to get there, but I'm never really sure what to do, and don't seem to get anywhere at all. I can see it, I can taste it sometimes, but that almost makes it worse because I'm beginning to doubt I'll ever get there. I'll forever be stuck on the brink. Never quite getting to be who or what I want.
I'm still in a rut, and I get extremely discouraged sometimes, sometimes at really dark moments I almost want to give up. But I'm still reasonably young, healthy and intelligent. To give up on myself would be a horrible, horrible waste. When I'm at my best, I really am a sight. I'm full of energy and passion and creativity and love. I'm gonna have hard times like this for the rest of my days. I haven't been this depressed for a very long time, but I always bounce back. I'm fighting. I still do have a lot, and I don't want to lose it. But I need a lot more. I can see it in the distance.

matt

i feel so lucky and happy to have one really, really good thing in my life while everything else seems to be falling apart again. it makes everything seem a lot brighter and more hopeful. When I'm with him it's next to impossible to worry, or feel bad.

inspiration

So I’ve been inspired by a couple of different things lately.. speaking in terms of the state of my life, anyways. I’m constantly inspired, not necessarily by things that actually affect my life for longer than a few moments, or relate in any way to how I do, or want to shape my life. Like, maybe I’ll see a beautiful piece of art, or get a kind smile from a stranger, or be upset by an awful murder in the paper.. it strikes me for a moment, but it doesn’t really get integrated into my life.

I really need to get down to these more fundamental inspirations, because I don’t want to continue living my life this way. I’m feeling oppressed by the circumstances I’ve let myself wander, or stumble into. My job is inspiring because of how incredibly uninspiring it is. It’s as cushy and nice as you can get, it’s all I could ever hope for in the administrative field, but it is not fulfilling in any way whatsoever. I’m not utilizing any skills that I value, not contributing to anything other than the upkeep of a company that sells a bunch of circuit boards.

The worst part about it is that it drains my energy, which makes me pretty useless and lazy once the work day is over, when I should be doing all the things I wish I had more time for. The things I wish I was doing during the day while I’m sitting in front of this computer. And the early mornings make it really hard to go out and have fun, see music, be with my friends, etc.. without being miserable the next day.

I know I’ve been incredibly spoiled and sheltered, through my good times and bad, and I’ve already worked way less than most people my age and had way more fun, I don’t mean to complain. I have next to nothing to complain about. I do feel lucky to have this job. The people are so sweet, and like I said, it really is beyond laid back and cushy, I just wish I could be doing something more right for me. Something creative. Something to do with music, or art, or children, or psychology, or animals.. Anything where I could be a little more creative, and a little less of a 9-5 cubicle zombie. I thought working these kind of jobs was a decent way to go for a while, because they do tend to pay well, but it’s not worth the boredom. The brain cells that I feel like I’m losing from using so little of my intellect all day. The lost hours of freedom. The ability to have any spontaneity in my day to day life.

I do want a lot, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think it’s that much to hope for. The part I’m stuck on is just making it happen.

DS200TCEAG1B/UN

I was not born to be a 9 to 5er. I'm not the kind of person that can sit in front of a computer all day and not go crazy.

I should be doing something more creative. More emotional.

I should be doing something that a monkey couldn't do.

bbct

ahhhh, self control! how i've missed you.

i feel like i dreamt of him last night. i don't remember it, but i feel like i did. i have some residual feeling of him. the only thing i really remember is recalling another dream i had years ago, where we ran into each other at the airport. we were both on the same flight- to hawaii of all places.

i think it's funny, (and really cool!) how sometimes in dreams you can remember other dreams as if they're actual memories. while i'm dreaming i'll talk about things that happened in other dreams as if they really happened, and i'll recall places i've been to, things i've done and seen in dreams past. It's like a parallel existence. though of course it's entirely inconstant. things from my actual life, things from past dreams, completely new things.. they all come and go as they please. every night you get something new.

naivety- so easy to recognize in others, yet so hard to recognize it yourself. how unfortunate.

that not so fresh feeling

I need something fresh and new in my life! I'm feeling pretty uninspired by things at the moment. I need sparks. Something I can't get enough of. Something exciting. Cause it's all seeming rather mundane at the moment. What a dull way to live. I don't like it.

and then there are those like me.. lovely and intelligent creatures, but entirely maladaptive.

alas, here come the hypochondriacs...

oh my, it's amazing what we can forget. it's comforting in a way, to think how incredibly much we can move on from. we have to. what other choice do we have? we can't control much of our environment when it comes down to it, so we adapt. that's what we do. humans, and really all the things living on this earth. us humans though, we know it's fleeting, we know it wont last. we know we can't change that much. we just want to be happy.
it's funny how real physical adaptation, evolution, occurs so slowly, over years and years and years.. but us creatures are also capable of, and actually very talented at, singular, more simple and direct adaptation. People learn quickly, we respond so well to repetition and routines, new circumstances and stimuli. We learn to think out complicated situations, cope with even unthinkably awful emotional and physical hardships..we learn basically to survive and get the most out of anything that's thrown at us. and i think that is so beautiful and amazing because we so rarely give up. we are hopeful and optimistic by nature. we keep trying. we don't give up. we keep going until our bodies give out. we are so much stronger than we realize.

it's still very early days, but the further things go, the more my worries and doubts are subsiding. i think this could actually be a really good idea. i may just have something really good on my hands.

my job..

is all request for quotations, ice cream sandwiches, little dogs, cute british guys, art, and old men with bare feet. i love it.

..or am i?

oh my god, i am just begging for trouble. why can't i stay away from it?
right now all is well and good, but i'm already (SO soon) thinking about him more than i should be and it's a slippery slope. obviously i don't thrive on dissapointment, so i don't know what my deal is.
the last thing i need right now is a very sweet asshole to make me sad.
i can fuck whoever i want, i wouldn't be bothering with these situations if that was all i hoped to gain.
oh, i don't know. he asked if he could meet my parents. that's pretty cool. and a little ballsy, considering he doesn't know how incredibly sweet and laid back my family is. or maybe he does cause they made me.

2 for 1 martinis

i'm doing really well at not getting my hopes up this time, though i kind of want to just let go. they are somewhat up, but i think only a reasonable amount for the situation.
this is better than sweden. a much nicer fit. i feel far more comfortable and like my(silly)self with him.

bananna splits

burmese and fistula, and the end of century party and palatka are currently rocking my world. both together and individually.

two new beginnings at the same time.
fun and invigorating, but a little scary/stressful. i need something to work and last and not be new anymore.
and as much as i've hated my long and current stagnation, or whatever i should call it, i also have been so comfortable and free of responsibilities. it's been a lot of fun.
I hate working dull jobs, and being bored out of my mind and exhausted. but i'm really motivated this time. i want to move to the city. it's what i think would be good for me right now. i'll be a lot happier. i don't belong in westchester. i never have. it's not me. never has been, never will be. i've always known that. it's blindingly obvious to everyone.

i'm not all that sure of what i want. it'll be really nice to (hopefully) have some options soon.

as awful as last night was, and as much as i really wish i werent awake right now, life is really good. i'm still pretty happy. excited. optimistic.

i don't think i'll ever, ever, ever, ever like mornings

Wednesday Night in Williamsburg

So I was in the neighborhood and pretty pissed off, so I went to his apartment.

He buzzed me in, to my surprise, but I entered to find him in bed with two young Asian girls*. I was disheartened to some degree, but told myself to be strong and not let on.

They were all pretty much fully clothed -one of the girls even had a hat on over her disheveled hair- but they had clearly been fucking. They were still under the covers, heads facing the foot of the bed.

He had just met them that night. He called one of them "Stranger". He didn't even remember their names.

We moved to the kitchen, making pleasant conversation. He poured me a glass of wine, but had other plans for his two little conquests.

He kinkily told them what to do. Where to stand, how to move, what they were allowed to eat and drink. I watched curiously, but was glad he hadn't tried anything like that with me. Though he did tie me up the once.

By now my anger had gone, who knows why or how. I just stayed and looked on to this little spectacle amusedly.




*Probably the same two "hot and horny Asian girls" who's porn kept being advertised to me when I was trying to watch Pushing Daisies on my computer the other day.

the jetsons

the 1:53 train to southeast just got quite the show. i am soaked!

i hope i never grow up

...we will come, we'll come again

i can't stop listening to circa survive. their stuff is so gorgeous, i totally can't get enough. and the sound of animals fighting are incredible. i'm so into these people. i wish that i could create something that beautiful. most people can't.

there's also this magical shroud of mystery around them for me. i don't know a thing about who they are, what they look like, etc.. and i like it that way. especially considering animals fighting has only played something like 4 shows in their entire existence, and they're from the west coast, so it's not likely i'll be seeing them any time in the near future.
sometimes knowing about the people behind the music takes away some of that magic. like if they're religious, or totally ridiculous looking or something. it just creates associations to the band that aren't about the music. i want it to be 100% about the music. i don't want to have the fact that they enjoy hunting, or wear eyeliner or whatever to be in my head. just how much i love the songs.

havemayer band

i'm over it.

i'm not about to give up on what i want out of life.. there are so many forms it could take that i would be completely happy with. i don't have my heart set on anything specific. just a good happy life filled with love and music. and lots of sex, of course.

i can't stop playing with fire

an awful week

..i wonder if there's a way i can fix the mistake i'm suffering so much for right now. i'm not terribly optimistic, but it could be possible.

or maybe the only mistake i made was thinking that i could ever be happy

maybe everything i used to think was wrong. it's happened before.

espresso bar circa 1999

i still remember all the words to crisis' albums.
i adore karyn crisis. her voice is so beautiful, and it's all wonderfully full of emotion and agony, mental illness, anger towards bad men. it's good stuff, though certainly not as relevant to a 24 year old woman as it was to a 14 year old girl.
i need more strong female role models. angela carter is my favorite one, but she is pretty damn dead. i'm not really that big on super duper feminist ladies, so i'm not totally sure where to look. i tend to look up to artists. they relate to my interests, and there aren't any female public figures i can think of that i admire.

hawaiian princess

omg, tara is here. i'm so excited!!!

mm

i'm afraid we'll never be more than we already are

last night was magical!

spring

this past week has really thrown me for a loop. really help me see things in a new perspective.
i feel revived, like things can change. like i can find my way into a new phase of life like i've been waiting for.
i still feel scared, unsure, a bit confused, and extremely vulnerable, but i feel like i can move on. explore new paths. i'm hopeful.
i don't have my hopes set on anything specific, just fresh new territory, and hopefully some progress. something (or things) i can take on that will get me somewhere.

rapid cycler

life is extremely good. i am on cloud nine. and what fantastic timing! i am feeling very, very content. it's a good feeling. i feel lucky.

major vent sesh

so i'm actually letting a few emotions out today. i even cried, which is very rare. it probably had a little something to do with pms, but let's call it a step forward anyways.
i'm mentally healthier and happier then i have been for a long time, but i'm still so frustrated. i don't know what to do with myself or my life. i feel like i'm wasting it, and i really, really don't want that. i am a smart, lovely, talented girl, but i'm wasting myself. look, i'm crying again. i'm still angry and confused.. i basically feel like my life was ruined. ever since the whole thing that happened to me like 3 and a half years ago, i've never been the same. i've never really felt like me again. i still just wish so often that it all never happened. it took so much of me away. my confidence, my functioning, my self control, my ability to trust my mental health. and i have so much guilt over the way it affected my family. especially my dad and my brother. it hurts me so much. more than anything else.
i was only like a week away from going out to school, and of course that got canned for 9 months because i was such a mess, the worst 9 months of my life. i feel like i've lost so much of what was good about me, and now i'm just a lazy drunken slut. i avoid life, i avoid my feelings. i avoid even the daylight when i can. i feel like before i know it, i'll just be some bitter middle aged woman, all regrets and sadness. probably all alone.
i know it's ridiculous to say my life was ruined by this disgusting person who was so damaged that they couldn't help but spread their misery.. tangent, sorry.. because i'm still very young, most definitely alive and kicking, i'm just scared and so unsure of myself. so insecure. i don't know where to start moving forward. i know how to make myself a good life. i don't have a clue as to what to do. i don't want to be an administrative assistant. that is pretty much what i always wanted to avoid at all costs, working in a cubicle for some random bullshit company. i don't want to be in this town. i don't want to be wasting all my time and energy on guys i don't even care about. i don't want to abuse my body with excess. i really have made a lot of progress, i'm mentally healthier then i probably have been in years, i'm physically also much healthier than i have been, with just generally healthier habits, i'm in good spirits most of the time.. i just don't know how to move forward in the outside world. i don't know what i want. i don't know what's realistic. i have felt so stuck for so long, and so frustrated and sad. i just wish i knew what to do.

ernest & celestine

i am excited!

it's so frustrating to be surrounded by what you don't want, lots of it, but have the one thing you do out of reach. i may be inching closer. despite past experiences, i am optimistic. very much so. and it's a really exciting possibility. i've wanted him for so long. i've always wanted him.

what's the difference between a thought and a feeling anyways? the thought causes the feeling, right, but how do you set them apart?
it's a tough question

things are feeling interesting. feeling stuff about l---- reminded me of how numb i generally am.
it's cool to feel a little something different, cause as much as it seems like i'm really emotional, it's really mostly cerebral with me. i'm never feeling much, just thinking about how blah things are. i never cry. never really emote. at least not for more than like a second at a time. i think emotions, but i don't usually feel them. i've often called myself the queen of dissociation. i don't mean to do it at all, i very rarely try to avoid feeling things, i just do. it's definitely not something i do conciously, but a lot of the time i can feel it happen. it's like a light switch turning off. i feel something for a second, and then its gone. it just disappears. i absorb it.
but a few certain things definitely can make me extremely emotional, the main one being men. i feel the hell out of heartbreak. i haven't had very much heartbreak, but those times i've felt it to the core, sobbed like hell, written pages upon pages about it...etc. obviously that isn't the case now, i'm not heartbroken, but i certainly have some feelings. physical, emotional feelings. not just the thought that 'i wish things were different, but they're not, so that's just the way it is.' which is my usual way of having emotions. i'm not sure exactly what i'm feeling, it's a mixture of things... but at least it's something. and it's definitely motivating me to take some action, not just sit around and wallow in it and write about it.

the ghost with the most

i'm reading this cool book called nadja, about this man who is "haunted", specifically that's the word he uses, by this woman he had a relationship with. and of course, everything brings me back to the one who still hasn't stopped haunting me. it seems like a good metaphor, but in this case it's not even really a metaphor, it's actually real. it feels like haunting, and he/she seems like a ghost because they really are. even if it really is them you're seeing, not your sick, longing imagination, it's not really them anymore. they aren't the person they were when you knew them. neither of us are the same person as when we were together.
i'm being haunted extra hard tonight, fittingly with the crazy rain, hail, and lightning. seeing his face was really intense. i feel like vomiting. that is my reaction. not out of disgust, just sadness, and weirdness and despair. the new tattoos, his hair. everything. the look on his face. he still looks sad.
i've been so lonely lately. so very lonely. i've actually been spending quite a bit of time with guys, and they're cool, enjoyable people, but it's completely meaningless to me. i think it's more lonely waking up next to someone than alone, cause i only wish i was with someone i cared about. i want something real. that's why i'm always happily putting myself out there and meeting a bunch of guys, even though it usually gets me nowhere. as much as i meet smart, fun, sexy and interesting guys that i totally respect, and are more than good enough for me, if that connection, and that passion isn't there, it's just not right.
i want my ghost.

high maintenance libido

i miss the locust.
i used to love them so incredibly much. i just found their last ep and album to be lackluster. not bad, but they've parted with so much of their speed, and that crazy speed was one of the things i loved most about them. the last time i saw them i was still in washington, it was in seattle, and cattle decapitation and daughters blew them away. it didn't sound like the locust i fell in love with. i remember commenting that night that i had never seen them play for even half as long, it was so slow. they had no urgency. no limit of energy. i didn't even bother to see them the last time or two they were in town, but now i miss them. i miss them like an old friend, or ex boyfriend who i rarely think of, but suddenly developed this crazy longing for.
they were very special. i adored them, they were very me. but i suppose i have moved on.

it's also funny when, specifically, motivation comes. it seems random sometimes, but i think it's basically just when i have the energy. this is often at inconvenient times. when i've got it, i'm ready to go, lets take on the world. but most of the time i need an iv of redbull or something. too bad the stuff is terrible for you. i would say that is my biggest problem at the moment. it's been a problem for me for ages, i'm sooo lethargic no matter how well rested. it's awful.

it's funny what gives us purpose and strength.
i'm gonna focus on that- what makes me happy and strong. my passion.

music is the most important thing in my life, and it always has been. it's always more satisfying and sustaining and joy inducing than any guy or anything else ever has been. it's always been my life. even when i was like 9, nothing mattered more. my dad still makes fun of me for the times i was 12-14 and would cry until he'd agree to drive me to shows. it's all a large and integral part of jill.

new hope, pa 18938

my little drive yesterday was so fantastic! the night before i was dreading driving 5 hours in one day, but everything worked out so perfectly. i leisurely left my house around 4 o'clock, and drove straight there no problem. a nice little drive.. going through new york and new jersey is so much nicer than through connecticut. more industrial for sure, but it felt more like home. i've always felt so safe in the car, ever since i was a kid. i definitely spent a lot of time in the car as a kid, going on trips, to vermont, shopping, visiting relatives, whatever. i loved being in the car, there with my whole family, locked in, nobody in the world could get to us. then in high school driving around with friends, listening to music, smoking weed. having sex occasionally. cars are always fun. they're freedom. anytime i want, i can just hop in my car and go. anywhere i want.
so i get there, find a perfect spot, and two minutes later, craazy hail and rain and lightning are coming down, so i relax in the car for a minute, make a phone call, smoke a bowl cause nobody can see me with all that rain. then it stopped like five minutes later, i hop out, and get there in time to see the second half of ceremony. they sounded good, i had never seen them before, and it was pretty good, had a beer next door, watched ghengis tron- they've come a long way since they started. i remember them pretending to play half their instruments at sarah lawrence with an albatross way back. luis and i laughed at them, they were kinda bad, but since then they've improved a ton, and become pretty well respected. put out some really solid material. they were good, and had some really cool lighting. i liked it a lot.
then converge played, and they were wonderful, of course. they seem soo humble and down to earth. they always deliver exactly what you want, exactly what you expect. exactly what they are. they always sound amazing, they're so solid and they never stop, never change into something they're not. i respect them so much. they are so genuine, they want to be there. they love it, they aren't going through the motions. they can't be making much money, but they've been going strong for so many years. their ticket prices were 100% reasonable, and their merch not only reasonable, but much cheaper than even most bands much less known then them.
it was also nice to get out of the whole new york city show deal.... like, all in bars, or hidden in random places in brooklyn- it was in some church. i miss those just random place shows. the vfw's and churches and holes in the wall. the fact that it was an early show added to the feeling. it started like 4 or 5 hours earlier than most new york shows. it was still light for most of it. lots of young kids were there. it was all inclusive. though it would have been nice to be able to get a beer in there! hah.
so they played stuff that they always play like the saddest day (i think they've played this every time i've ever seen them) , locust reign, homewrecker (i think), concubine, the broken vow.. etc.. they always play a lot of jane doe stuff, i dont know why.. i guess it was their most successful album. and they played 2 new songs. they sounded great. they left the lights on, for some reason, which was a little funny looking after the crazy ghengis tron lights. they talked about how they were happy to be there, and they love hardcore, etc etc... classic converge/bane massachusetts bands lovely posi sweet ramblings. it's so lovely how they always talk about how much "the scene" means to them, and that kids always come out and support, and so on. it's always touching. i love it. i know it's genuine.
it was just great overall, and i hadn't seen converge in at least 2 years, so it was just what i needed. i felt right at home. very happy. and i didn't feel too old to be there at all. i felt perfect.

spring fever

this is a totally ongoing thing with me.. i get a little crazy and restless, and can't really think of why, and then i realize i haven't had an orgasm in like, a month. it's happened so many times, and it takes me forever to realize.. 'oh yeah, i can't even remember the last time i had an orgasm, maybe that would make me feel better'. although sadly i remember the last times i've had sex very clearly. i was thinking it was just spring randiness, which i'm sure it partly is. i masturbate really infrequently, not because it's not fun, i just don't think of it often, or it's inconvenient. it doesn't replace sex.
that is the blessing/curse of being a female- you can get laid anytime you want, but you're never guaranteed an orgasm. and i haven't exactly been with the cream of the crop lately. haha.
what i want far more than orgasms is just an exciting new crush. i was so sure i'd meet somebody i really liked in philadelphia yesterday, because that would have been just like me. it's like, the further away the better! it's happened to me time and again. luckily i didn't. it would have been too ironic even for my taste in guys. not surprisingly my newest (though not nearly as exciting as i want) crush is now in australia. no, he's not moving there for 2 years. haha, believe it or not it's just for two weeks. he lives in p-ville, which is close as you can get. it's not china, nor boston, or even binghamton, so he gets credit for that.

from friday night

so i am a (forced) worker in some kind of military-esque sweatshop a la tank girl, in a strange modern monarchy, and am told to leave my post to assist in some kind of play, a big performance in a grand theatre that was being put on for the kingdom. it was right before opening, and i was working on some chair that the main character uses, and somehow got stuck underneath her as the show started. it was a white fabric chair, something you'd see in any old living room, but the woman sitting on it, on top of me, had long blonde hair, and wore a long white gown, as she was suspended high into the air. i don't remember seeing her face clearly, but i'm sure she was probably very beautiful. so this chair is on wires, floating around, and i'm still stuck under her, holding on tight, and trying desperately not to fall way down into the crowd, trying to get back onto solid ground.
then the king of this particular land noticed me trying to hold on, and fell in love with me. he took me back to his chambers, and i willingly slept with him, even enjoying it a bit. he was a middle aged man with a big beard, and i didn't have any feelings for him, but i figured he could get me out of my life as a slave.
i soon ran away, because i didn't want to be with him, and arrived back home (though not any home i've had in real life), with a few friends who i guess had escaped with me, and found it empty. i was afraid that the kings minions had taken or killed my family. then a big bus pulled up in front of my house, and a bunch of women jumped out and attacked us. the king was angry, and had sent them to bring me back. they had a lot of crazy martial arts moves, and i thought they would probably kill us, but i just kept throwing whatever i could get my hands at them, lamps and what not, and eventually they were all on the ground. and then my family came home, much to my relief.

michigan

i'm feeling just a teeny bit emotional for some reason right now. my depression has been a bit more present in the last few weeks, though at this point i wouldn't really call it depression anymore. just a heightened awareness that i am mentally ill. always have been, probably always will be. and i feel like it keeps me from being who i want to be, and accomplishing what i want to accomplish, even though i know i need to be able to take responsibility for that. i'm trying to.
this last week was waaay better than the previous though. it was actually a pretty good week, overall. it was quite fun, and a little more productive than last week.
lately i've just been feeling a little more emotional, a little more sentimental. i was thinking maybe that spring is bringing it out, because sometimes after a long winter, it's hard to picture anything before it, and the hints of spring make me think of the previous springs, and hope and new beginnings and all that. i'm a little sad though, a little lonely, i guess. i'm craving real closeness and intimacy.
and i'm a little nervous right now. after spouting out more than a couple times about how relieved i was feeling to not have my heart and it's well being wrapped up in any guy, i'm kind of realizing that it may be a little bit. like i just realized it this evening. i do have some attachment to j----. by no means could my heart get broken at this point, we've only been dating for 2 months, and it certainly hasn't been one of my more intense relationships, but i do still have feelings for him. he was on tour for two weeks, and just got back, and we're meeting for dinner tomorrow.. hence my nervousness. things were a bit weird for like a week before he left, i'm not quite sure what's going on with him, but i know he's got a lot of shit to deal with, he's about to graduate, and has to finish his thesis film, and has all the band stuff and what not. but before that it was really nice. we spent a lot of time together. lots of meals, and shows and fun. real dating, not like so much of the largely just fucking type of dating that i sometimes fall into. but like i said before, it doesn't feel terribly passionate, and like i also said before, he's a very, very sweet and fun guy, but he doesn't have that assertiveness and charisma that has swept me off my feet in the past. made me fall in love. so i have wondered like, "should i continue this?".. and i'm not sure.
and so now i'm nervous about tomorrow. i don't know if i'm more nervous about whether or not we'll decide to keep seeing each other, or more nervous about getting emotional and making a fool of myself. he's also such a nice guy, that i'm nervous that he'll have trouble telling me straight out if he doesn't want to keep seeing me. i guess i'm also afraid of being totally alone. but whatever happens, i am confident that we'll at least be able to be friends.

vomiting winter

so this is basically the weirdest song ever.. (in it's own context).
i remember very distinctly them playing it last spring, during a very interesting night in new haven, and i even wrote down the title on my way home because i thought it was such a beautiful song. so then a month or two ago i found a nice recorded version on soulseek, and was super excited, but all it took was one listen for me to realize that what i had heard is totally absurd. so totally bizarre, and unlike anything else they've ever done. based on the lyrics, it's like some weird cheezy r&b song or something. like 'oooh baby, i love you, i wanna sex you up' type of stuff'. soo strange. i'm not saying this is a bad thing, and i'm not criticizing them for it at all, though i wouldnt say it is a good thing either. just confusing. regardless of what anyone else in the world says, i think their last album was not only one of the best records of 07, but ever. period. i love it passionately. it is a masterpiece. they're fantastic.
the song just confuses me so much, because it's like, them, only from another planet. very strange. i love the title, it stood out to me as well, and now that i've heard the lyrics, i can't make any sense of it. i remember thinking last may or whatever, that i had just had something of a vomiting winter, so to speak, (not literally) though they had probably written it for the previous winter.
maybe the song can be attributed to the fact that ----------censored mildly racist joke --------- i have no idea. but it makes me incredibly curious as to what their next album will be like. it's not like they hadn't written love songs before.. i just cant say enough times how baffled by this song i am. i remember the first time i listened to it, i burned it to a mix cd to listen to in the car, and i'm driving home, and all i can just keep thinking is "what????!" and of course laughing.

it's kind of strange, i just read that sylvia plaths son committed suicide, and last night i had very randomly dreamed of her. (well, sort of) Actually, in my dream, somebody was reading the bell jar, and said that it was their favorite book, and i started talking about how i hate it. which is not entirely true, though i do dislike it, and find it to have a very unrealistic feel.

fuck me, cave men

maybe its just instinctual, the whole appeal of alpha males. this is one of my favorite subjects to speculate on, because it applies so strongly to my dating patterns, and of course i'm a disgusting narcissist.
in the wild that's what you need in a mate, right? smarts, confidence, assertion, strength. it still applies today, even with the aspect of survival lost. i love my men smart, assertive, outgoing, self assured.. it's a humongous turn on.
i had a conversation the other day about this with cam, one of my favorite alpha males, and he, like a lot of people, sometimes even myself, gets the whole alpha thing confused with guys just being dicks. i don't want anyone to be mean to me, to treat me badly or blow me off. just as much as i love assertion, if not more, i love men to be sweet and gentle. that even kind of adds to the alpha appeal, it makes you feel really special when someone like that is really sweet to you.
i keep going back and forth on what i want, with my nice guy off in texas for another week. all my favorite and most sustained relationships were with dominant guys. they, not surprisingly, were also always ones that approached me first. they wanted me, and just took me. i am great at picking up guys, but i definitely like it best when they come to me. i do have some kind of antiquated gender role ideas in my head, probably put there by my parents, (children of the early 50's), their parents, and fairy tales, movies..etc.. i do like to be taken care of, and i do like to relinquish a good amount of control. i used to be so angry at my dad, yell at him for treating my mom like a 'wifey', call him and my grandpa sexist pigs, etc.. but as i've gotten older, some of these things appeal to me. i do like to cook for guys, and do things for them, and i like them to pick me up, and whisk me off to bed. it's kind of funny because i consider myself extremely modern, but in that sense i am a bit old fashioned.
i still really like j-, and possibly r-, but i do have one new crush (other than mi ami's singer daniel, who i have decided to have babies with, and cam, who i'm marrying if we're single at 30), and he doesn't seem terribly alpha, but i don't have to ride a train to get to him, so he gets major points for that. i am actually waiting for him to pick me up as we speak.

i've really been letting things slide lately..
i've gotten very bored with life again, and i just keep getting increasingly bored and stoned and miserable.
i'm still having a decent amount of fun, and enjoying some small creative endeavors, but i've slid into an end of winter slump.
at times it's warm, and i'm ecstatic, loving life, but more often i'm just all vice and nothingness. i'm letting all of my vices run free. i'm using zero self control at the moment. i'm not really trying.
i'm 100% bum. i'm the lazy bum princess.

i've been feeling restless again. and compulsive. going backwards a bit in some ways, but not too much. i've lost the initial high i recently had for a little while, but still, and even before that, i have been doing pretty well. i just need direction. i just keep going in circles. and i'm so boy crazy, it's totally ridiculous. it's really the last thing that should be on my mind, but i've never been able to control myself in that respect. it's so consuming. it always has been. it takes up so much of my thought and energy.
i feel really bad for my brother, he's heartbroken right now. i know how shitty he feels, and there's not a lot you can do but wait it out, wait for it to go away. it sucks. we both fall hard, and if our hearts get broken, they're pretty damn broken. it made me think of how often i've been heartbroken, or pining for someone, and how incredibly happy i am not to be in that position. the summer and fall were emotional, and i'm relieved to just be having fun. i told mike just to do his best to keep his mind occupied, and to wait it out. i wish i could have cheered him up, but there's no immediate comfort in that situation. not unless your love comes back to you. there's not much anyone can say to help. you just have to go on with your life, and get over it at whatever pace you can.

two dicks, and one hand. how inconvenient that would have been if they had all been attached to the same person. i thought there had been more somewhere, but didn't take the time to look, too disturbed by the slumber party's morbid transformation into something closer resembling a mass grave. the three appendages had been left overnight on a plate, and as willingly as it had seemed to go down the night before, all i could think was disposal. i can't go to jail. i threw them in a plastic bag, tied it up, and tried to make it look as inconspicuous as possible. everywhere i could think of to dump it seemed too obviously traceable back to me, to us. i didn't get into this mess by myself, but here i am, left alone to clean it up. i figured they would eventually be discovered in the junkyard, and my finger prints were everywhere.

i had this dream the other night for the first time in a while... it's the only reoccurring dream i've ever had, and i must have had it at least 10 times over the past 6 months or so.
it's always packing, usually i'm moving, sometimes going on vacation or something, but i'm packing, and i never have enough time to pack everything. i'm always hurriedly grasping to pack all the things that are most important to me. but there's never enough time, never enough room for everything in the car, i'm always finding something else i can't bear to leave behind.. and so on.

pretty telling, huh? i don't think i've ever had such outwardly obvious, smack you in the face symbolism in my dreams before.. usually it's all so much more abstract. i would easily just say it's about my inability to move on, and let go of things, create a new stage in my life.. my desperate grasping for the calm and confidence of the past. all the time i used to have ahead of me. my sick sentimentalism.
but there are a lot of different meanings i could assign to it, and they would all probably apply pretty accurately. it applies to a lot of things in my life. hopefully i'll remedy that soon. the sooner the better, i don't want to waste my youth and my life.

i've been doing pretty good lately. i've said it before, distraction is the best medicine. I'm definitely healthier, and happier than i have been for quite a while. all i needed was to spend more time out of westchester, and keep my mind off things. boys always get me started towards that, because they keep my mind off of well, itself i guess, better than anything, and all i have to do is keep up that momentum even as i'm getting a bit sick of them, and craving some renewed sense of novelty.

i still have been accomplishing little lately, but it is really my number one priority to be happy and healthy. i'm feeling a lot better. physically and mentally.. though there are still those nights when i go to bed in westchester, and just feel so stuck and useless. but i'm making progress, and progress is key, though i've never been a patient girl. not that you would believe that based on the way i live. but i've been having lots more fun, and more appropriate fun for me, more music, more of the things that make me happy. i am smoking too much weed though, which obviously isn't helping my productivity level, but i'm not drinking any more than usual. i deserve to mellow out a little anyways. i have been getting more exercise, eating better, sleeping better, laughing more, etc.. so i can't not give myself credit at least for that.

more music

oh man, i went to the best show last night!
i've always adored black eyes, so i was super excited to see this new band for the first time! i was looking forward to it for a month or two, and it was even better than i expected. soooo good, definitely the best show i've seen in a while, and i've been going to quite a few lately. wow, i cant get over it. really good. i'm totally going again tonight, one of those two boys i've been all about lately is playing with them. he came with me yesterday, and got major points for loving them.
i did feel a little guilty though, i was thisclose to jumping their singer. he like, makes love to his microphone. it's so incredibly sexy. i've actually had this picture of him from his black eyes days on my wall for years, of him with his mouth all over a mic. it's one of my favorite photos ever. it's just generally a great band photo, and masturbation material for a gal like me. last year i was hooking up with this guy for a while, and he couldn't believe that i wasn't at all into porn. this is as close to porn as i will ever enjoy. i love those intense live photos, sweaty boys screaming or bleeding or doing to their microphone what they should be doing to me!
i'm such a trouble maker, i can't believe nobody calls me out on it.

i've been listening to one for the team non stop for the last few days. they're super catchy
i dont know if i'll get sick of them easily, but for now i'm a little bit addicted. they're just like, sweet pop. fun, young, un-jaded pop. i really like it. nothing incredibly original, but they do have this little thing i can't really describe, that is kind of unique. something about
their melodies. something that's distinct at least, if not unique. i saw them last month and thought they sounded fantastic.
check out these lyrics, they're so funny..

"Lets move, lets move to Brooklyn together,
we'll both get internships at Matador records. And we'll get an apartment, they are so small
We'll only call it a part
One part you, one part me
We'll live in moderation in the NYC
Getting groceries and shopping for free
You and me and we"

totally adorable. they're in this silly, young dreamy mindset.. and i've totally been in that zone.

i've found a lot of new music lately, and gone to a lot of shows. it feels good. it's really fun, and there is just so much good stuff happening out there in this city.

my ego has been boosted. quite a bit. this is probably a really bad thing.
or maybe i just learned something, i'm not sure.

i also experienced the shortest infatuation ever. i am very prone, but they usually last a long ass time. this one was just a couple of days. it's probably the weirdest one ever as well, because i still sort of like him. usually when the infatuation is gone, i am totally done, but i don't think i am this time. though i did blow him off today. it's weird. i'm thinking about it a lot, because when there are multiple guys in the picture, you can easily spend lots of time constantly with guys. i've been spending so much less time by myself.
i used to love being interested in a bunch of guys at once, but i really dont anymore. i wish just one could keep from wanting any others.

i'm probably too crazy, i shouldnt even be dating at all, but i always am. i cant stay away.
boys and music are my lifeblood. like i've said, i'm basically an adolescent girl. i may as well just be 16 and bi-polar, i'm such a joke.

I was raving about them the other day, but now I remember why I don't date super nice guys. Cause then I have to be the man, and I hate being the man, I like to be the girl.
I also really shouldn't be dating 21 year olds. I've often make the mistake of equating intelligence with maturity, but just because somebody is smart doesn't mean they're also mature.
Younger guys are so sweet and un-jaded, but this guy is pretty immature. i don't know. i do love watching him play with my dog.

an apology..

i apologize to you guys, (and girl) who read this now and then.. i was just gonna use it to compile my old bits of writing, but it has become like my sometime journal. for the less graphic and personal stuff, that is. that's why i wasn't even gonna give the url to anyone, but i gave it to you very select few because i love you, and it gives you a little window into my mind when we can't see each other for extended periods of time.

i know you don't give a shit about my romantic interests and what not, but they always have been one of my favorite things to ramble on about. so sorry for subjecting you to that. believe me, i am leaving quite a lot out, and you all know i am not very good at censoring myself.

love ya

I am enamored.

So this is the part where I try really, really hard not to get my hopes up. 'Cause it's so hard to do when someone like ___ comes into your life.

We just had our first date, I barely know him, but I can tell he's more special than anyone I've met in a long time.
Cam counts as an incredibly special person, but this guy would definitely be more right for me- He doesn't have that cocky, alpha male charisma that I always go for. And I'm so much better off without it, I'm finally beginning to realize. I thought it was my type, but it's obnoxious. Being interested in someone without that is different, but it feels much, much better.

It's actually kind of funny, because I would have expected this guy to be like that type, since he has a presence, and he's so smart and talented. But he's not at all.
He wasn't being all sweet just to charm me, It was genuine. It felt really good. It had been a long time since I got, (or gave out) genuine affection, instead of just sexual attention. I forgot how good it feels, and how much I want that. I felt really connected to him.
He wouldn't have even slept with me if I had asked him to.
He's a good person. I don't know if I even deserve to be hanging out with him.

It's really ridiculous too because that other guy that I was waiting on finally "stopped being a pussy" and called me, actually when I was still with ___ last night. I didn't hear it, so I didn't talk to him at the time, but I did notice while we were still together.
It's hard to think about right this second, but I'm glad for two reasons- because I thought he seemed like a really awesome guy, and because it will definitely help me not get my hopes too set on ___.
It freaks me out a little bit though, because they probably know each other. I do not like that. ___ is so freaking sweet, and special, I already care about not fucking it up.

today was really nice.
i was in a great mood all day, and tonight i got a song called 'the human papilloma virus' dedicated to me. haha. it was actually very, very sweet. i loved it. i'm happy.

I found something really funny the other day... I was going through my closet, trying to get rid of some of the crap I've compiled over the years, and I found a ton of old notebooks from high school and college. I didn't look through much, but a quote in this one paper I wrote like 7 years ago was pretty funny, because it's so similar to things I say now...

"...I feel like my brain hasn't been functioning properly in years..so that also makes it harder to be interesting, and productive too, I think."

It's funny, cause I think of my brain as working so much better back then, or thinking clearer, at least.

I was talking about how I love to write, and make art, and do it every day, even though I have no talent, and am "not a very creative or inventive person".
I still feel that way now, only now it also applies to other aspects of my life, which is depressing.

My problems then were different than the ones I have now, but look- I attribute them to the same thing. My awful brain.
I do look at it differently though, back then I didn't feel responsible for it, which I think is fair, I didn't know what to do about it, I went to lots of doctors, and took lots of pills. But by now I feel responsible for the state of my brain, which I also think is fair. I'm an adult now, the state of my well being is entirely in my hands. I'm responsible for my life.. which shows I'm not doing the best job, but at least I have grown up a lot since I wrote that paper. I'm always gonna be stuck with my brain, I'm cool with that.

i think i'm starting to look like myself again, which is nice cause it actually makes me feel more like myself.
i felt kind of old for the first time ever on new years. it was really weird. super weird.

1/17/2009

oh my god.. i have no idea how i do it.. not only do i essentially get away with murder time and again, but i always seem to manage to get my hands on not only the hottest guy in the room, but the most wonderful. i do believe i'm cute, but definitely not anywhere near cute enough to explain this phenomenon.
i think i can partially attribute it to the fact that i am rather cute, but equally important is my confidence (i'm not shy, i always put myself out there and start a conversation with a guy, rather than just wishing he'd talk to me) and i'm a sweet, friendly girl. so maybe even the guys who don't think i'm that cute are charmed by my silly, oft drunken outgoing-ness. or maybe guys are just horny, and can tell i'm easy. i'm sure i seem easier than i am.. i mean, i am super easy, but only for guys i think are really awesome. and i'm very picky. so it evens out. or maybe they actually like who i am. i have no idea.
i really don't know how i do it, but it's a miracle. not only are they hot, but they treat me with such respect, like a princess, even when i do nothing to deserve it. like this guy i just met, but somehow already have butterflies over. i randomly ended up sitting on his lap in the back of a crowded van, and that was that.
he must have been an angel to deal with me and my obscene drunkenness. and not only deal with it, but totally appease it. he took good care of me. i was a super drunk brat, "can you get me weed, can you get me water, can you get me a beer, can we listen to jaguar love, where are my leggings"..and so on. he was so sweet. he even missed his first class of the semester because i was still passed out. he didn't wake me up. if i had taken someone like myself the other night home, i would have at least been annoyed, if not appalled. i was like filthy from divine filth.
of course he's not from new york originally, which explains why he's so ridiculously sweet.
i've always somewhat suspected it, but if he actually calls me after that, i can't think of any explanation other than my being the luckiest girl in the world. either way i'm disgustingly lucky.. i don't know anyone that has a family as awesome as mine. i have the most sweet, friendly, safe, suburban set up.. it's disgustingly nice. all i really worry about is anything happening to them. thats my only true, concrete fear. the other ones are much more abstract.
so yeah, i'm spending the end of my night in one of my favorite ways... sleepy, blissfully buzzed, and dreaming about a sweet and gorgeous stranger.
haha, i'm the quintesential adolescent girl.. only not adolescent anymore. technically.

since we've started a new year

top albums of 2008

1. jaguar love - take me to the sea (love it soooooo much.. just one more reason i want to be bi-coastal)

2. the sound of animals fighting - the ocean and the sun

that is all. seriously. oh, and (3.) censored

but there were a bunch of good ones in 07. some great ones that i'll probably love forever. but oh man, jaguar love. i can't help it! those bbros side bands just drive me crazy. neon blonde and jag love are the best. neon blonde is essentially for fucking, and jaguar love is for dancing. what more could you want?

beat that 09! i'm waiting eagerly..

as promised

nick...

you are definitely one of the people i've felt closest to in my life.

you are my true partner in crime- my doppelganger with a different sex.

we are disgustingly alike. i love it. i bet we would have been born twins if my mothers womb could have fit you in there with me. but you were too fantastically tall.
i'm already so lucky to have two such wonderful brothers, it wouldn't have been fair.
(plus you've seen me naked so many times, it would be pretty sick if we were related.)

that's why we were born on opposite coasts.

i miss you, and i promise i'll see you soon!

toby

I don't think there is anything better in the world than my dog.
Sure, in theory there is, but not in practice. Not much could be better to come home to than a sweet little puppy who loves you like crazy.
I'm a lucky girl. Little dog or no, I have a lot to come home to. I don't know how I possibly got this lucky. I've never believed in luck- just chance, but I wouldn't know what else to call myself.
I often feel guilty for how good I have it.