major vent sesh

so i'm actually letting a few emotions out today. i even cried, which is very rare. it probably had a little something to do with pms, but let's call it a step forward anyways.
i'm mentally healthier and happier then i have been for a long time, but i'm still so frustrated. i don't know what to do with myself or my life. i feel like i'm wasting it, and i really, really don't want that. i am a smart, lovely, talented girl, but i'm wasting myself. look, i'm crying again. i'm still angry and confused.. i basically feel like my life was ruined. ever since the whole thing that happened to me like 3 and a half years ago, i've never been the same. i've never really felt like me again. i still just wish so often that it all never happened. it took so much of me away. my confidence, my functioning, my self control, my ability to trust my mental health. and i have so much guilt over the way it affected my family. especially my dad and my brother. it hurts me so much. more than anything else.
i was only like a week away from going out to school, and of course that got canned for 9 months because i was such a mess, the worst 9 months of my life. i feel like i've lost so much of what was good about me, and now i'm just a lazy drunken slut. i avoid life, i avoid my feelings. i avoid even the daylight when i can. i feel like before i know it, i'll just be some bitter middle aged woman, all regrets and sadness. probably all alone.
i know it's ridiculous to say my life was ruined by this disgusting person who was so damaged that they couldn't help but spread their misery.. tangent, sorry.. because i'm still very young, most definitely alive and kicking, i'm just scared and so unsure of myself. so insecure. i don't know where to start moving forward. i know how to make myself a good life. i don't have a clue as to what to do. i don't want to be an administrative assistant. that is pretty much what i always wanted to avoid at all costs, working in a cubicle for some random bullshit company. i don't want to be in this town. i don't want to be wasting all my time and energy on guys i don't even care about. i don't want to abuse my body with excess. i really have made a lot of progress, i'm mentally healthier then i probably have been in years, i'm physically also much healthier than i have been, with just generally healthier habits, i'm in good spirits most of the time.. i just don't know how to move forward in the outside world. i don't know what i want. i don't know what's realistic. i have felt so stuck for so long, and so frustrated and sad. i just wish i knew what to do.