music is the most important thing in my life, and it always has been. it's always more satisfying and sustaining and joy inducing than any guy or anything else ever has been. it's always been my life. even when i was like 9, nothing mattered more. my dad still makes fun of me for the times i was 12-14 and would cry until he'd agree to drive me to shows. it's all a large and integral part of jill.

new hope, pa 18938

my little drive yesterday was so fantastic! the night before i was dreading driving 5 hours in one day, but everything worked out so perfectly. i leisurely left my house around 4 o'clock, and drove straight there no problem. a nice little drive.. going through new york and new jersey is so much nicer than through connecticut. more industrial for sure, but it felt more like home. i've always felt so safe in the car, ever since i was a kid. i definitely spent a lot of time in the car as a kid, going on trips, to vermont, shopping, visiting relatives, whatever. i loved being in the car, there with my whole family, locked in, nobody in the world could get to us. then in high school driving around with friends, listening to music, smoking weed. having sex occasionally. cars are always fun. they're freedom. anytime i want, i can just hop in my car and go. anywhere i want.
so i get there, find a perfect spot, and two minutes later, craazy hail and rain and lightning are coming down, so i relax in the car for a minute, make a phone call, smoke a bowl cause nobody can see me with all that rain. then it stopped like five minutes later, i hop out, and get there in time to see the second half of ceremony. they sounded good, i had never seen them before, and it was pretty good, had a beer next door, watched ghengis tron- they've come a long way since they started. i remember them pretending to play half their instruments at sarah lawrence with an albatross way back. luis and i laughed at them, they were kinda bad, but since then they've improved a ton, and become pretty well respected. put out some really solid material. they were good, and had some really cool lighting. i liked it a lot.
then converge played, and they were wonderful, of course. they seem soo humble and down to earth. they always deliver exactly what you want, exactly what you expect. exactly what they are. they always sound amazing, they're so solid and they never stop, never change into something they're not. i respect them so much. they are so genuine, they want to be there. they love it, they aren't going through the motions. they can't be making much money, but they've been going strong for so many years. their ticket prices were 100% reasonable, and their merch not only reasonable, but much cheaper than even most bands much less known then them.
it was also nice to get out of the whole new york city show deal.... like, all in bars, or hidden in random places in brooklyn- it was in some church. i miss those just random place shows. the vfw's and churches and holes in the wall. the fact that it was an early show added to the feeling. it started like 4 or 5 hours earlier than most new york shows. it was still light for most of it. lots of young kids were there. it was all inclusive. though it would have been nice to be able to get a beer in there! hah.
so they played stuff that they always play like the saddest day (i think they've played this every time i've ever seen them) , locust reign, homewrecker (i think), concubine, the broken vow.. etc.. they always play a lot of jane doe stuff, i dont know why.. i guess it was their most successful album. and they played 2 new songs. they sounded great. they left the lights on, for some reason, which was a little funny looking after the crazy ghengis tron lights. they talked about how they were happy to be there, and they love hardcore, etc etc... classic converge/bane massachusetts bands lovely posi sweet ramblings. it's so lovely how they always talk about how much "the scene" means to them, and that kids always come out and support, and so on. it's always touching. i love it. i know it's genuine.
it was just great overall, and i hadn't seen converge in at least 2 years, so it was just what i needed. i felt right at home. very happy. and i didn't feel too old to be there at all. i felt perfect.

spring fever

this is a totally ongoing thing with me.. i get a little crazy and restless, and can't really think of why, and then i realize i haven't had an orgasm in like, a month. it's happened so many times, and it takes me forever to realize.. 'oh yeah, i can't even remember the last time i had an orgasm, maybe that would make me feel better'. although sadly i remember the last times i've had sex very clearly. i was thinking it was just spring randiness, which i'm sure it partly is. i masturbate really infrequently, not because it's not fun, i just don't think of it often, or it's inconvenient. it doesn't replace sex.
that is the blessing/curse of being a female- you can get laid anytime you want, but you're never guaranteed an orgasm. and i haven't exactly been with the cream of the crop lately. haha.
what i want far more than orgasms is just an exciting new crush. i was so sure i'd meet somebody i really liked in philadelphia yesterday, because that would have been just like me. it's like, the further away the better! it's happened to me time and again. luckily i didn't. it would have been too ironic even for my taste in guys. not surprisingly my newest (though not nearly as exciting as i want) crush is now in australia. no, he's not moving there for 2 years. haha, believe it or not it's just for two weeks. he lives in p-ville, which is close as you can get. it's not china, nor boston, or even binghamton, so he gets credit for that.

from friday night

so i am a (forced) worker in some kind of military-esque sweatshop a la tank girl, in a strange modern monarchy, and am told to leave my post to assist in some kind of play, a big performance in a grand theatre that was being put on for the kingdom. it was right before opening, and i was working on some chair that the main character uses, and somehow got stuck underneath her as the show started. it was a white fabric chair, something you'd see in any old living room, but the woman sitting on it, on top of me, had long blonde hair, and wore a long white gown, as she was suspended high into the air. i don't remember seeing her face clearly, but i'm sure she was probably very beautiful. so this chair is on wires, floating around, and i'm still stuck under her, holding on tight, and trying desperately not to fall way down into the crowd, trying to get back onto solid ground.
then the king of this particular land noticed me trying to hold on, and fell in love with me. he took me back to his chambers, and i willingly slept with him, even enjoying it a bit. he was a middle aged man with a big beard, and i didn't have any feelings for him, but i figured he could get me out of my life as a slave.
i soon ran away, because i didn't want to be with him, and arrived back home (though not any home i've had in real life), with a few friends who i guess had escaped with me, and found it empty. i was afraid that the kings minions had taken or killed my family. then a big bus pulled up in front of my house, and a bunch of women jumped out and attacked us. the king was angry, and had sent them to bring me back. they had a lot of crazy martial arts moves, and i thought they would probably kill us, but i just kept throwing whatever i could get my hands at them, lamps and what not, and eventually they were all on the ground. and then my family came home, much to my relief.

michigan

i'm feeling just a teeny bit emotional for some reason right now. my depression has been a bit more present in the last few weeks, though at this point i wouldn't really call it depression anymore. just a heightened awareness that i am mentally ill. always have been, probably always will be. and i feel like it keeps me from being who i want to be, and accomplishing what i want to accomplish, even though i know i need to be able to take responsibility for that. i'm trying to.
this last week was waaay better than the previous though. it was actually a pretty good week, overall. it was quite fun, and a little more productive than last week.
lately i've just been feeling a little more emotional, a little more sentimental. i was thinking maybe that spring is bringing it out, because sometimes after a long winter, it's hard to picture anything before it, and the hints of spring make me think of the previous springs, and hope and new beginnings and all that. i'm a little sad though, a little lonely, i guess. i'm craving real closeness and intimacy.
and i'm a little nervous right now. after spouting out more than a couple times about how relieved i was feeling to not have my heart and it's well being wrapped up in any guy, i'm kind of realizing that it may be a little bit. like i just realized it this evening. i do have some attachment to j----. by no means could my heart get broken at this point, we've only been dating for 2 months, and it certainly hasn't been one of my more intense relationships, but i do still have feelings for him. he was on tour for two weeks, and just got back, and we're meeting for dinner tomorrow.. hence my nervousness. things were a bit weird for like a week before he left, i'm not quite sure what's going on with him, but i know he's got a lot of shit to deal with, he's about to graduate, and has to finish his thesis film, and has all the band stuff and what not. but before that it was really nice. we spent a lot of time together. lots of meals, and shows and fun. real dating, not like so much of the largely just fucking type of dating that i sometimes fall into. but like i said before, it doesn't feel terribly passionate, and like i also said before, he's a very, very sweet and fun guy, but he doesn't have that assertiveness and charisma that has swept me off my feet in the past. made me fall in love. so i have wondered like, "should i continue this?".. and i'm not sure.
and so now i'm nervous about tomorrow. i don't know if i'm more nervous about whether or not we'll decide to keep seeing each other, or more nervous about getting emotional and making a fool of myself. he's also such a nice guy, that i'm nervous that he'll have trouble telling me straight out if he doesn't want to keep seeing me. i guess i'm also afraid of being totally alone. but whatever happens, i am confident that we'll at least be able to be friends.

vomiting winter

so this is basically the weirdest song ever.. (in it's own context).
i remember very distinctly them playing it last spring, during a very interesting night in new haven, and i even wrote down the title on my way home because i thought it was such a beautiful song. so then a month or two ago i found a nice recorded version on soulseek, and was super excited, but all it took was one listen for me to realize that what i had heard is totally absurd. so totally bizarre, and unlike anything else they've ever done. based on the lyrics, it's like some weird cheezy r&b song or something. like 'oooh baby, i love you, i wanna sex you up' type of stuff'. soo strange. i'm not saying this is a bad thing, and i'm not criticizing them for it at all, though i wouldnt say it is a good thing either. just confusing. regardless of what anyone else in the world says, i think their last album was not only one of the best records of 07, but ever. period. i love it passionately. it is a masterpiece. they're fantastic.
the song just confuses me so much, because it's like, them, only from another planet. very strange. i love the title, it stood out to me as well, and now that i've heard the lyrics, i can't make any sense of it. i remember thinking last may or whatever, that i had just had something of a vomiting winter, so to speak, (not literally) though they had probably written it for the previous winter.
maybe the song can be attributed to the fact that ----------censored mildly racist joke --------- i have no idea. but it makes me incredibly curious as to what their next album will be like. it's not like they hadn't written love songs before.. i just cant say enough times how baffled by this song i am. i remember the first time i listened to it, i burned it to a mix cd to listen to in the car, and i'm driving home, and all i can just keep thinking is "what????!" and of course laughing.

it's kind of strange, i just read that sylvia plaths son committed suicide, and last night i had very randomly dreamed of her. (well, sort of) Actually, in my dream, somebody was reading the bell jar, and said that it was their favorite book, and i started talking about how i hate it. which is not entirely true, though i do dislike it, and find it to have a very unrealistic feel.

fuck me, cave men

maybe its just instinctual, the whole appeal of alpha males. this is one of my favorite subjects to speculate on, because it applies so strongly to my dating patterns, and of course i'm a disgusting narcissist.
in the wild that's what you need in a mate, right? smarts, confidence, assertion, strength. it still applies today, even with the aspect of survival lost. i love my men smart, assertive, outgoing, self assured.. it's a humongous turn on.
i had a conversation the other day about this with cam, one of my favorite alpha males, and he, like a lot of people, sometimes even myself, gets the whole alpha thing confused with guys just being dicks. i don't want anyone to be mean to me, to treat me badly or blow me off. just as much as i love assertion, if not more, i love men to be sweet and gentle. that even kind of adds to the alpha appeal, it makes you feel really special when someone like that is really sweet to you.
i keep going back and forth on what i want, with my nice guy off in texas for another week. all my favorite and most sustained relationships were with dominant guys. they, not surprisingly, were also always ones that approached me first. they wanted me, and just took me. i am great at picking up guys, but i definitely like it best when they come to me. i do have some kind of antiquated gender role ideas in my head, probably put there by my parents, (children of the early 50's), their parents, and fairy tales, movies..etc.. i do like to be taken care of, and i do like to relinquish a good amount of control. i used to be so angry at my dad, yell at him for treating my mom like a 'wifey', call him and my grandpa sexist pigs, etc.. but as i've gotten older, some of these things appeal to me. i do like to cook for guys, and do things for them, and i like them to pick me up, and whisk me off to bed. it's kind of funny because i consider myself extremely modern, but in that sense i am a bit old fashioned.
i still really like j-, and possibly r-, but i do have one new crush (other than mi ami's singer daniel, who i have decided to have babies with, and cam, who i'm marrying if we're single at 30), and he doesn't seem terribly alpha, but i don't have to ride a train to get to him, so he gets major points for that. i am actually waiting for him to pick me up as we speak.

i've really been letting things slide lately..
i've gotten very bored with life again, and i just keep getting increasingly bored and stoned and miserable.
i'm still having a decent amount of fun, and enjoying some small creative endeavors, but i've slid into an end of winter slump.
at times it's warm, and i'm ecstatic, loving life, but more often i'm just all vice and nothingness. i'm letting all of my vices run free. i'm using zero self control at the moment. i'm not really trying.
i'm 100% bum. i'm the lazy bum princess.

i've been feeling restless again. and compulsive. going backwards a bit in some ways, but not too much. i've lost the initial high i recently had for a little while, but still, and even before that, i have been doing pretty well. i just need direction. i just keep going in circles. and i'm so boy crazy, it's totally ridiculous. it's really the last thing that should be on my mind, but i've never been able to control myself in that respect. it's so consuming. it always has been. it takes up so much of my thought and energy.
i feel really bad for my brother, he's heartbroken right now. i know how shitty he feels, and there's not a lot you can do but wait it out, wait for it to go away. it sucks. we both fall hard, and if our hearts get broken, they're pretty damn broken. it made me think of how often i've been heartbroken, or pining for someone, and how incredibly happy i am not to be in that position. the summer and fall were emotional, and i'm relieved to just be having fun. i told mike just to do his best to keep his mind occupied, and to wait it out. i wish i could have cheered him up, but there's no immediate comfort in that situation. not unless your love comes back to you. there's not much anyone can say to help. you just have to go on with your life, and get over it at whatever pace you can.