michigan

i'm feeling just a teeny bit emotional for some reason right now. my depression has been a bit more present in the last few weeks, though at this point i wouldn't really call it depression anymore. just a heightened awareness that i am mentally ill. always have been, probably always will be. and i feel like it keeps me from being who i want to be, and accomplishing what i want to accomplish, even though i know i need to be able to take responsibility for that. i'm trying to.
this last week was waaay better than the previous though. it was actually a pretty good week, overall. it was quite fun, and a little more productive than last week.
lately i've just been feeling a little more emotional, a little more sentimental. i was thinking maybe that spring is bringing it out, because sometimes after a long winter, it's hard to picture anything before it, and the hints of spring make me think of the previous springs, and hope and new beginnings and all that. i'm a little sad though, a little lonely, i guess. i'm craving real closeness and intimacy.
and i'm a little nervous right now. after spouting out more than a couple times about how relieved i was feeling to not have my heart and it's well being wrapped up in any guy, i'm kind of realizing that it may be a little bit. like i just realized it this evening. i do have some attachment to j----. by no means could my heart get broken at this point, we've only been dating for 2 months, and it certainly hasn't been one of my more intense relationships, but i do still have feelings for him. he was on tour for two weeks, and just got back, and we're meeting for dinner tomorrow.. hence my nervousness. things were a bit weird for like a week before he left, i'm not quite sure what's going on with him, but i know he's got a lot of shit to deal with, he's about to graduate, and has to finish his thesis film, and has all the band stuff and what not. but before that it was really nice. we spent a lot of time together. lots of meals, and shows and fun. real dating, not like so much of the largely just fucking type of dating that i sometimes fall into. but like i said before, it doesn't feel terribly passionate, and like i also said before, he's a very, very sweet and fun guy, but he doesn't have that assertiveness and charisma that has swept me off my feet in the past. made me fall in love. so i have wondered like, "should i continue this?".. and i'm not sure.
and so now i'm nervous about tomorrow. i don't know if i'm more nervous about whether or not we'll decide to keep seeing each other, or more nervous about getting emotional and making a fool of myself. he's also such a nice guy, that i'm nervous that he'll have trouble telling me straight out if he doesn't want to keep seeing me. i guess i'm also afraid of being totally alone. but whatever happens, i am confident that we'll at least be able to be friends.