fuck me, cave men

maybe its just instinctual, the whole appeal of alpha males. this is one of my favorite subjects to speculate on, because it applies so strongly to my dating patterns, and of course i'm a disgusting narcissist.
in the wild that's what you need in a mate, right? smarts, confidence, assertion, strength. it still applies today, even with the aspect of survival lost. i love my men smart, assertive, outgoing, self assured.. it's a humongous turn on.
i had a conversation the other day about this with cam, one of my favorite alpha males, and he, like a lot of people, sometimes even myself, gets the whole alpha thing confused with guys just being dicks. i don't want anyone to be mean to me, to treat me badly or blow me off. just as much as i love assertion, if not more, i love men to be sweet and gentle. that even kind of adds to the alpha appeal, it makes you feel really special when someone like that is really sweet to you.
i keep going back and forth on what i want, with my nice guy off in texas for another week. all my favorite and most sustained relationships were with dominant guys. they, not surprisingly, were also always ones that approached me first. they wanted me, and just took me. i am great at picking up guys, but i definitely like it best when they come to me. i do have some kind of antiquated gender role ideas in my head, probably put there by my parents, (children of the early 50's), their parents, and fairy tales, movies..etc.. i do like to be taken care of, and i do like to relinquish a good amount of control. i used to be so angry at my dad, yell at him for treating my mom like a 'wifey', call him and my grandpa sexist pigs, etc.. but as i've gotten older, some of these things appeal to me. i do like to cook for guys, and do things for them, and i like them to pick me up, and whisk me off to bed. it's kind of funny because i consider myself extremely modern, but in that sense i am a bit old fashioned.
i still really like j-, and possibly r-, but i do have one new crush (other than mi ami's singer daniel, who i have decided to have babies with, and cam, who i'm marrying if we're single at 30), and he doesn't seem terribly alpha, but i don't have to ride a train to get to him, so he gets major points for that. i am actually waiting for him to pick me up as we speak.