inspiration

So I’ve been inspired by a couple of different things lately.. speaking in terms of the state of my life, anyways. I’m constantly inspired, not necessarily by things that actually affect my life for longer than a few moments, or relate in any way to how I do, or want to shape my life. Like, maybe I’ll see a beautiful piece of art, or get a kind smile from a stranger, or be upset by an awful murder in the paper.. it strikes me for a moment, but it doesn’t really get integrated into my life.

I really need to get down to these more fundamental inspirations, because I don’t want to continue living my life this way. I’m feeling oppressed by the circumstances I’ve let myself wander, or stumble into. My job is inspiring because of how incredibly uninspiring it is. It’s as cushy and nice as you can get, it’s all I could ever hope for in the administrative field, but it is not fulfilling in any way whatsoever. I’m not utilizing any skills that I value, not contributing to anything other than the upkeep of a company that sells a bunch of circuit boards.

The worst part about it is that it drains my energy, which makes me pretty useless and lazy once the work day is over, when I should be doing all the things I wish I had more time for. The things I wish I was doing during the day while I’m sitting in front of this computer. And the early mornings make it really hard to go out and have fun, see music, be with my friends, etc.. without being miserable the next day.

I know I’ve been incredibly spoiled and sheltered, through my good times and bad, and I’ve already worked way less than most people my age and had way more fun, I don’t mean to complain. I have next to nothing to complain about. I do feel lucky to have this job. The people are so sweet, and like I said, it really is beyond laid back and cushy, I just wish I could be doing something more right for me. Something creative. Something to do with music, or art, or children, or psychology, or animals.. Anything where I could be a little more creative, and a little less of a 9-5 cubicle zombie. I thought working these kind of jobs was a decent way to go for a while, because they do tend to pay well, but it’s not worth the boredom. The brain cells that I feel like I’m losing from using so little of my intellect all day. The lost hours of freedom. The ability to have any spontaneity in my day to day life.

I do want a lot, but when it comes down to it, I don’t think it’s that much to hope for. The part I’m stuck on is just making it happen.

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I was not born to be a 9 to 5er. I'm not the kind of person that can sit in front of a computer all day and not go crazy.

I should be doing something more creative. More emotional.

I should be doing something that a monkey couldn't do.

bbct

ahhhh, self control! how i've missed you.

i feel like i dreamt of him last night. i don't remember it, but i feel like i did. i have some residual feeling of him. the only thing i really remember is recalling another dream i had years ago, where we ran into each other at the airport. we were both on the same flight- to hawaii of all places.

i think it's funny, (and really cool!) how sometimes in dreams you can remember other dreams as if they're actual memories. while i'm dreaming i'll talk about things that happened in other dreams as if they really happened, and i'll recall places i've been to, things i've done and seen in dreams past. It's like a parallel existence. though of course it's entirely inconstant. things from my actual life, things from past dreams, completely new things.. they all come and go as they please. every night you get something new.