two dicks, and one hand. how inconvenient that would have been if they had all been attached to the same person. i thought there had been more somewhere, but didn't take the time to look, too disturbed by the slumber party's morbid transformation into something closer resembling a mass grave. the three appendages had been left overnight on a plate, and as willingly as it had seemed to go down the night before, all i could think was disposal. i can't go to jail. i threw them in a plastic bag, tied it up, and tried to make it look as inconspicuous as possible. everywhere i could think of to dump it seemed too obviously traceable back to me, to us. i didn't get into this mess by myself, but here i am, left alone to clean it up. i figured they would eventually be discovered in the junkyard, and my finger prints were everywhere.

i had this dream the other night for the first time in a while... it's the only reoccurring dream i've ever had, and i must have had it at least 10 times over the past 6 months or so.
it's always packing, usually i'm moving, sometimes going on vacation or something, but i'm packing, and i never have enough time to pack everything. i'm always hurriedly grasping to pack all the things that are most important to me. but there's never enough time, never enough room for everything in the car, i'm always finding something else i can't bear to leave behind.. and so on.

pretty telling, huh? i don't think i've ever had such outwardly obvious, smack you in the face symbolism in my dreams before.. usually it's all so much more abstract. i would easily just say it's about my inability to move on, and let go of things, create a new stage in my life.. my desperate grasping for the calm and confidence of the past. all the time i used to have ahead of me. my sick sentimentalism.
but there are a lot of different meanings i could assign to it, and they would all probably apply pretty accurately. it applies to a lot of things in my life. hopefully i'll remedy that soon. the sooner the better, i don't want to waste my youth and my life.

i've been doing pretty good lately. i've said it before, distraction is the best medicine. I'm definitely healthier, and happier than i have been for quite a while. all i needed was to spend more time out of westchester, and keep my mind off things. boys always get me started towards that, because they keep my mind off of well, itself i guess, better than anything, and all i have to do is keep up that momentum even as i'm getting a bit sick of them, and craving some renewed sense of novelty.

i still have been accomplishing little lately, but it is really my number one priority to be happy and healthy. i'm feeling a lot better. physically and mentally.. though there are still those nights when i go to bed in westchester, and just feel so stuck and useless. but i'm making progress, and progress is key, though i've never been a patient girl. not that you would believe that based on the way i live. but i've been having lots more fun, and more appropriate fun for me, more music, more of the things that make me happy. i am smoking too much weed though, which obviously isn't helping my productivity level, but i'm not drinking any more than usual. i deserve to mellow out a little anyways. i have been getting more exercise, eating better, sleeping better, laughing more, etc.. so i can't not give myself credit at least for that.

more music

oh man, i went to the best show last night!
i've always adored black eyes, so i was super excited to see this new band for the first time! i was looking forward to it for a month or two, and it was even better than i expected. soooo good, definitely the best show i've seen in a while, and i've been going to quite a few lately. wow, i cant get over it. really good. i'm totally going again tonight, one of those two boys i've been all about lately is playing with them. he came with me yesterday, and got major points for loving them.
i did feel a little guilty though, i was thisclose to jumping their singer. he like, makes love to his microphone. it's so incredibly sexy. i've actually had this picture of him from his black eyes days on my wall for years, of him with his mouth all over a mic. it's one of my favorite photos ever. it's just generally a great band photo, and masturbation material for a gal like me. last year i was hooking up with this guy for a while, and he couldn't believe that i wasn't at all into porn. this is as close to porn as i will ever enjoy. i love those intense live photos, sweaty boys screaming or bleeding or doing to their microphone what they should be doing to me!
i'm such a trouble maker, i can't believe nobody calls me out on it.

i've been listening to one for the team non stop for the last few days. they're super catchy
i dont know if i'll get sick of them easily, but for now i'm a little bit addicted. they're just like, sweet pop. fun, young, un-jaded pop. i really like it. nothing incredibly original, but they do have this little thing i can't really describe, that is kind of unique. something about
their melodies. something that's distinct at least, if not unique. i saw them last month and thought they sounded fantastic.
check out these lyrics, they're so funny..

"Lets move, lets move to Brooklyn together,
we'll both get internships at Matador records. And we'll get an apartment, they are so small
We'll only call it a part
One part you, one part me
We'll live in moderation in the NYC
Getting groceries and shopping for free
You and me and we"

totally adorable. they're in this silly, young dreamy mindset.. and i've totally been in that zone.

i've found a lot of new music lately, and gone to a lot of shows. it feels good. it's really fun, and there is just so much good stuff happening out there in this city.

my ego has been boosted. quite a bit. this is probably a really bad thing.
or maybe i just learned something, i'm not sure.

i also experienced the shortest infatuation ever. i am very prone, but they usually last a long ass time. this one was just a couple of days. it's probably the weirdest one ever as well, because i still sort of like him. usually when the infatuation is gone, i am totally done, but i don't think i am this time. though i did blow him off today. it's weird. i'm thinking about it a lot, because when there are multiple guys in the picture, you can easily spend lots of time constantly with guys. i've been spending so much less time by myself.
i used to love being interested in a bunch of guys at once, but i really dont anymore. i wish just one could keep from wanting any others.

i'm probably too crazy, i shouldnt even be dating at all, but i always am. i cant stay away.
boys and music are my lifeblood. like i've said, i'm basically an adolescent girl. i may as well just be 16 and bi-polar, i'm such a joke.