i am excited!
it's so frustrating to be surrounded by what you don't want, lots of it, but have the one thing you do out of reach. i may be inching closer. despite past experiences, i am optimistic. very much so. and it's a really exciting possibility. i've wanted him for so long. i've always wanted him.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
things are feeling interesting. feeling stuff about l---- reminded me of how numb i generally am.
it's cool to feel a little something different, cause as much as it seems like i'm really emotional, it's really mostly cerebral with me. i'm never feeling much, just thinking about how blah things are. i never cry. never really emote. at least not for more than like a second at a time. i think emotions, but i don't usually feel them. i've often called myself the queen of dissociation. i don't mean to do it at all, i very rarely try to avoid feeling things, i just do. it's definitely not something i do conciously, but a lot of the time i can feel it happen. it's like a light switch turning off. i feel something for a second, and then its gone. it just disappears. i absorb it.
but a few certain things definitely can make me extremely emotional, the main one being men. i feel the hell out of heartbreak. i haven't had very much heartbreak, but those times i've felt it to the core, sobbed like hell, written pages upon pages about it...etc. obviously that isn't the case now, i'm not heartbroken, but i certainly have some feelings. physical, emotional feelings. not just the thought that 'i wish things were different, but they're not, so that's just the way it is.' which is my usual way of having emotions. i'm not sure exactly what i'm feeling, it's a mixture of things... but at least it's something. and it's definitely motivating me to take some action, not just sit around and wallow in it and write about it.
it's cool to feel a little something different, cause as much as it seems like i'm really emotional, it's really mostly cerebral with me. i'm never feeling much, just thinking about how blah things are. i never cry. never really emote. at least not for more than like a second at a time. i think emotions, but i don't usually feel them. i've often called myself the queen of dissociation. i don't mean to do it at all, i very rarely try to avoid feeling things, i just do. it's definitely not something i do conciously, but a lot of the time i can feel it happen. it's like a light switch turning off. i feel something for a second, and then its gone. it just disappears. i absorb it.
but a few certain things definitely can make me extremely emotional, the main one being men. i feel the hell out of heartbreak. i haven't had very much heartbreak, but those times i've felt it to the core, sobbed like hell, written pages upon pages about it...etc. obviously that isn't the case now, i'm not heartbroken, but i certainly have some feelings. physical, emotional feelings. not just the thought that 'i wish things were different, but they're not, so that's just the way it is.' which is my usual way of having emotions. i'm not sure exactly what i'm feeling, it's a mixture of things... but at least it's something. and it's definitely motivating me to take some action, not just sit around and wallow in it and write about it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
the ghost with the most
i'm reading this cool book called nadja, about this man who is "haunted", specifically that's the word he uses, by this woman he had a relationship with. and of course, everything brings me back to the one who still hasn't stopped haunting me. it seems like a good metaphor, but in this case it's not even really a metaphor, it's actually real. it feels like haunting, and he/she seems like a ghost because they really are. even if it really is them you're seeing, not your sick, longing imagination, it's not really them anymore. they aren't the person they were when you knew them. neither of us are the same person as when we were together.
i'm being haunted extra hard tonight, fittingly with the crazy rain, hail, and lightning. seeing his face was really intense. i feel like vomiting. that is my reaction. not out of disgust, just sadness, and weirdness and despair. the new tattoos, his hair. everything. the look on his face. he still looks sad.
i've been so lonely lately. so very lonely. i've actually been spending quite a bit of time with guys, and they're cool, enjoyable people, but it's completely meaningless to me. i think it's more lonely waking up next to someone than alone, cause i only wish i was with someone i cared about. i want something real. that's why i'm always happily putting myself out there and meeting a bunch of guys, even though it usually gets me nowhere. as much as i meet smart, fun, sexy and interesting guys that i totally respect, and are more than good enough for me, if that connection, and that passion isn't there, it's just not right.
i want my ghost.
i'm being haunted extra hard tonight, fittingly with the crazy rain, hail, and lightning. seeing his face was really intense. i feel like vomiting. that is my reaction. not out of disgust, just sadness, and weirdness and despair. the new tattoos, his hair. everything. the look on his face. he still looks sad.
i've been so lonely lately. so very lonely. i've actually been spending quite a bit of time with guys, and they're cool, enjoyable people, but it's completely meaningless to me. i think it's more lonely waking up next to someone than alone, cause i only wish i was with someone i cared about. i want something real. that's why i'm always happily putting myself out there and meeting a bunch of guys, even though it usually gets me nowhere. as much as i meet smart, fun, sexy and interesting guys that i totally respect, and are more than good enough for me, if that connection, and that passion isn't there, it's just not right.
i want my ghost.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
high maintenance libido
i miss the locust.
i used to love them so incredibly much. i just found their last ep and album to be lackluster. not bad, but they've parted with so much of their speed, and that crazy speed was one of the things i loved most about them. the last time i saw them i was still in washington, it was in seattle, and cattle decapitation and daughters blew them away. it didn't sound like the locust i fell in love with. i remember commenting that night that i had never seen them play for even half as long, it was so slow. they had no urgency. no limit of energy. i didn't even bother to see them the last time or two they were in town, but now i miss them. i miss them like an old friend, or ex boyfriend who i rarely think of, but suddenly developed this crazy longing for.
they were very special. i adored them, they were very me. but i suppose i have moved on.
i used to love them so incredibly much. i just found their last ep and album to be lackluster. not bad, but they've parted with so much of their speed, and that crazy speed was one of the things i loved most about them. the last time i saw them i was still in washington, it was in seattle, and cattle decapitation and daughters blew them away. it didn't sound like the locust i fell in love with. i remember commenting that night that i had never seen them play for even half as long, it was so slow. they had no urgency. no limit of energy. i didn't even bother to see them the last time or two they were in town, but now i miss them. i miss them like an old friend, or ex boyfriend who i rarely think of, but suddenly developed this crazy longing for.
they were very special. i adored them, they were very me. but i suppose i have moved on.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
it's also funny when, specifically, motivation comes. it seems random sometimes, but i think it's basically just when i have the energy. this is often at inconvenient times. when i've got it, i'm ready to go, lets take on the world. but most of the time i need an iv of redbull or something. too bad the stuff is terrible for you. i would say that is my biggest problem at the moment. it's been a problem for me for ages, i'm sooo lethargic no matter how well rested. it's awful.
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