the ghost with the most

i'm reading this cool book called nadja, about this man who is "haunted", specifically that's the word he uses, by this woman he had a relationship with. and of course, everything brings me back to the one who still hasn't stopped haunting me. it seems like a good metaphor, but in this case it's not even really a metaphor, it's actually real. it feels like haunting, and he/she seems like a ghost because they really are. even if it really is them you're seeing, not your sick, longing imagination, it's not really them anymore. they aren't the person they were when you knew them. neither of us are the same person as when we were together.
i'm being haunted extra hard tonight, fittingly with the crazy rain, hail, and lightning. seeing his face was really intense. i feel like vomiting. that is my reaction. not out of disgust, just sadness, and weirdness and despair. the new tattoos, his hair. everything. the look on his face. he still looks sad.
i've been so lonely lately. so very lonely. i've actually been spending quite a bit of time with guys, and they're cool, enjoyable people, but it's completely meaningless to me. i think it's more lonely waking up next to someone than alone, cause i only wish i was with someone i cared about. i want something real. that's why i'm always happily putting myself out there and meeting a bunch of guys, even though it usually gets me nowhere. as much as i meet smart, fun, sexy and interesting guys that i totally respect, and are more than good enough for me, if that connection, and that passion isn't there, it's just not right.
i want my ghost.