things are feeling interesting. feeling stuff about l---- reminded me of how numb i generally am.
it's cool to feel a little something different, cause as much as it seems like i'm really emotional, it's really mostly cerebral with me. i'm never feeling much, just thinking about how blah things are. i never cry. never really emote. at least not for more than like a second at a time. i think emotions, but i don't usually feel them. i've often called myself the queen of dissociation. i don't mean to do it at all, i very rarely try to avoid feeling things, i just do. it's definitely not something i do conciously, but a lot of the time i can feel it happen. it's like a light switch turning off. i feel something for a second, and then its gone. it just disappears. i absorb it.
but a few certain things definitely can make me extremely emotional, the main one being men. i feel the hell out of heartbreak. i haven't had very much heartbreak, but those times i've felt it to the core, sobbed like hell, written pages upon pages about it...etc. obviously that isn't the case now, i'm not heartbroken, but i certainly have some feelings. physical, emotional feelings. not just the thought that 'i wish things were different, but they're not, so that's just the way it is.' which is my usual way of having emotions. i'm not sure exactly what i'm feeling, it's a mixture of things... but at least it's something. and it's definitely motivating me to take some action, not just sit around and wallow in it and write about it.