I was raving about them the other day, but now I remember why I don't date super nice guys. Cause then I have to be the man, and I hate being the man, I like to be the girl.
I also really shouldn't be dating 21 year olds. I've often make the mistake of equating intelligence with maturity, but just because somebody is smart doesn't mean they're also mature.
Younger guys are so sweet and un-jaded, but this guy is pretty immature. i don't know. i do love watching him play with my dog.

an apology..

i apologize to you guys, (and girl) who read this now and then.. i was just gonna use it to compile my old bits of writing, but it has become like my sometime journal. for the less graphic and personal stuff, that is. that's why i wasn't even gonna give the url to anyone, but i gave it to you very select few because i love you, and it gives you a little window into my mind when we can't see each other for extended periods of time.

i know you don't give a shit about my romantic interests and what not, but they always have been one of my favorite things to ramble on about. so sorry for subjecting you to that. believe me, i am leaving quite a lot out, and you all know i am not very good at censoring myself.

love ya

I am enamored.

So this is the part where I try really, really hard not to get my hopes up. 'Cause it's so hard to do when someone like ___ comes into your life.

We just had our first date, I barely know him, but I can tell he's more special than anyone I've met in a long time.
Cam counts as an incredibly special person, but this guy would definitely be more right for me- He doesn't have that cocky, alpha male charisma that I always go for. And I'm so much better off without it, I'm finally beginning to realize. I thought it was my type, but it's obnoxious. Being interested in someone without that is different, but it feels much, much better.

It's actually kind of funny, because I would have expected this guy to be like that type, since he has a presence, and he's so smart and talented. But he's not at all.
He wasn't being all sweet just to charm me, It was genuine. It felt really good. It had been a long time since I got, (or gave out) genuine affection, instead of just sexual attention. I forgot how good it feels, and how much I want that. I felt really connected to him.
He wouldn't have even slept with me if I had asked him to.
He's a good person. I don't know if I even deserve to be hanging out with him.

It's really ridiculous too because that other guy that I was waiting on finally "stopped being a pussy" and called me, actually when I was still with ___ last night. I didn't hear it, so I didn't talk to him at the time, but I did notice while we were still together.
It's hard to think about right this second, but I'm glad for two reasons- because I thought he seemed like a really awesome guy, and because it will definitely help me not get my hopes too set on ___.
It freaks me out a little bit though, because they probably know each other. I do not like that. ___ is so freaking sweet, and special, I already care about not fucking it up.

today was really nice.
i was in a great mood all day, and tonight i got a song called 'the human papilloma virus' dedicated to me. haha. it was actually very, very sweet. i loved it. i'm happy.

I found something really funny the other day... I was going through my closet, trying to get rid of some of the crap I've compiled over the years, and I found a ton of old notebooks from high school and college. I didn't look through much, but a quote in this one paper I wrote like 7 years ago was pretty funny, because it's so similar to things I say now...

"...I feel like my brain hasn't been functioning properly in years..so that also makes it harder to be interesting, and productive too, I think."

It's funny, cause I think of my brain as working so much better back then, or thinking clearer, at least.

I was talking about how I love to write, and make art, and do it every day, even though I have no talent, and am "not a very creative or inventive person".
I still feel that way now, only now it also applies to other aspects of my life, which is depressing.

My problems then were different than the ones I have now, but look- I attribute them to the same thing. My awful brain.
I do look at it differently though, back then I didn't feel responsible for it, which I think is fair, I didn't know what to do about it, I went to lots of doctors, and took lots of pills. But by now I feel responsible for the state of my brain, which I also think is fair. I'm an adult now, the state of my well being is entirely in my hands. I'm responsible for my life.. which shows I'm not doing the best job, but at least I have grown up a lot since I wrote that paper. I'm always gonna be stuck with my brain, I'm cool with that.

i think i'm starting to look like myself again, which is nice cause it actually makes me feel more like myself.
i felt kind of old for the first time ever on new years. it was really weird. super weird.

1/17/2009

oh my god.. i have no idea how i do it.. not only do i essentially get away with murder time and again, but i always seem to manage to get my hands on not only the hottest guy in the room, but the most wonderful. i do believe i'm cute, but definitely not anywhere near cute enough to explain this phenomenon.
i think i can partially attribute it to the fact that i am rather cute, but equally important is my confidence (i'm not shy, i always put myself out there and start a conversation with a guy, rather than just wishing he'd talk to me) and i'm a sweet, friendly girl. so maybe even the guys who don't think i'm that cute are charmed by my silly, oft drunken outgoing-ness. or maybe guys are just horny, and can tell i'm easy. i'm sure i seem easier than i am.. i mean, i am super easy, but only for guys i think are really awesome. and i'm very picky. so it evens out. or maybe they actually like who i am. i have no idea.
i really don't know how i do it, but it's a miracle. not only are they hot, but they treat me with such respect, like a princess, even when i do nothing to deserve it. like this guy i just met, but somehow already have butterflies over. i randomly ended up sitting on his lap in the back of a crowded van, and that was that.
he must have been an angel to deal with me and my obscene drunkenness. and not only deal with it, but totally appease it. he took good care of me. i was a super drunk brat, "can you get me weed, can you get me water, can you get me a beer, can we listen to jaguar love, where are my leggings"..and so on. he was so sweet. he even missed his first class of the semester because i was still passed out. he didn't wake me up. if i had taken someone like myself the other night home, i would have at least been annoyed, if not appalled. i was like filthy from divine filth.
of course he's not from new york originally, which explains why he's so ridiculously sweet.
i've always somewhat suspected it, but if he actually calls me after that, i can't think of any explanation other than my being the luckiest girl in the world. either way i'm disgustingly lucky.. i don't know anyone that has a family as awesome as mine. i have the most sweet, friendly, safe, suburban set up.. it's disgustingly nice. all i really worry about is anything happening to them. thats my only true, concrete fear. the other ones are much more abstract.
so yeah, i'm spending the end of my night in one of my favorite ways... sleepy, blissfully buzzed, and dreaming about a sweet and gorgeous stranger.
haha, i'm the quintesential adolescent girl.. only not adolescent anymore. technically.

since we've started a new year

top albums of 2008

1. jaguar love - take me to the sea (love it soooooo much.. just one more reason i want to be bi-coastal)

2. the sound of animals fighting - the ocean and the sun

that is all. seriously. oh, and (3.) censored

but there were a bunch of good ones in 07. some great ones that i'll probably love forever. but oh man, jaguar love. i can't help it! those bbros side bands just drive me crazy. neon blonde and jag love are the best. neon blonde is essentially for fucking, and jaguar love is for dancing. what more could you want?

beat that 09! i'm waiting eagerly..

as promised

nick...

you are definitely one of the people i've felt closest to in my life.

you are my true partner in crime- my doppelganger with a different sex.

we are disgustingly alike. i love it. i bet we would have been born twins if my mothers womb could have fit you in there with me. but you were too fantastically tall.
i'm already so lucky to have two such wonderful brothers, it wouldn't have been fair.
(plus you've seen me naked so many times, it would be pretty sick if we were related.)

that's why we were born on opposite coasts.

i miss you, and i promise i'll see you soon!

toby

I don't think there is anything better in the world than my dog.
Sure, in theory there is, but not in practice. Not much could be better to come home to than a sweet little puppy who loves you like crazy.
I'm a lucky girl. Little dog or no, I have a lot to come home to. I don't know how I possibly got this lucky. I've never believed in luck- just chance, but I wouldn't know what else to call myself.
I often feel guilty for how good I have it.