bananna splits

burmese and fistula, and the end of century party and palatka are currently rocking my world. both together and individually.

two new beginnings at the same time.
fun and invigorating, but a little scary/stressful. i need something to work and last and not be new anymore.
and as much as i've hated my long and current stagnation, or whatever i should call it, i also have been so comfortable and free of responsibilities. it's been a lot of fun.
I hate working dull jobs, and being bored out of my mind and exhausted. but i'm really motivated this time. i want to move to the city. it's what i think would be good for me right now. i'll be a lot happier. i don't belong in westchester. i never have. it's not me. never has been, never will be. i've always known that. it's blindingly obvious to everyone.

i'm not all that sure of what i want. it'll be really nice to (hopefully) have some options soon.

as awful as last night was, and as much as i really wish i werent awake right now, life is really good. i'm still pretty happy. excited. optimistic.

i don't think i'll ever, ever, ever, ever like mornings

Wednesday Night in Williamsburg

So I was in the neighborhood and pretty pissed off, so I went to his apartment.

He buzzed me in, to my surprise, but I entered to find him in bed with two young Asian girls*. I was disheartened to some degree, but told myself to be strong and not let on.

They were all pretty much fully clothed -one of the girls even had a hat on over her disheveled hair- but they had clearly been fucking. They were still under the covers, heads facing the foot of the bed.

He had just met them that night. He called one of them "Stranger". He didn't even remember their names.

We moved to the kitchen, making pleasant conversation. He poured me a glass of wine, but had other plans for his two little conquests.

He kinkily told them what to do. Where to stand, how to move, what they were allowed to eat and drink. I watched curiously, but was glad he hadn't tried anything like that with me. Though he did tie me up the once.

By now my anger had gone, who knows why or how. I just stayed and looked on to this little spectacle amusedly.




*Probably the same two "hot and horny Asian girls" who's porn kept being advertised to me when I was trying to watch Pushing Daisies on my computer the other day.

the jetsons

the 1:53 train to southeast just got quite the show. i am soaked!

i hope i never grow up

...we will come, we'll come again

i can't stop listening to circa survive. their stuff is so gorgeous, i totally can't get enough. and the sound of animals fighting are incredible. i'm so into these people. i wish that i could create something that beautiful. most people can't.

there's also this magical shroud of mystery around them for me. i don't know a thing about who they are, what they look like, etc.. and i like it that way. especially considering animals fighting has only played something like 4 shows in their entire existence, and they're from the west coast, so it's not likely i'll be seeing them any time in the near future.
sometimes knowing about the people behind the music takes away some of that magic. like if they're religious, or totally ridiculous looking or something. it just creates associations to the band that aren't about the music. i want it to be 100% about the music. i don't want to have the fact that they enjoy hunting, or wear eyeliner or whatever to be in my head. just how much i love the songs.

havemayer band

i'm over it.

i'm not about to give up on what i want out of life.. there are so many forms it could take that i would be completely happy with. i don't have my heart set on anything specific. just a good happy life filled with love and music. and lots of sex, of course.

i can't stop playing with fire

an awful week

..i wonder if there's a way i can fix the mistake i'm suffering so much for right now. i'm not terribly optimistic, but it could be possible.

or maybe the only mistake i made was thinking that i could ever be happy

maybe everything i used to think was wrong. it's happened before.

espresso bar circa 1999

i still remember all the words to crisis' albums.
i adore karyn crisis. her voice is so beautiful, and it's all wonderfully full of emotion and agony, mental illness, anger towards bad men. it's good stuff, though certainly not as relevant to a 24 year old woman as it was to a 14 year old girl.
i need more strong female role models. angela carter is my favorite one, but she is pretty damn dead. i'm not really that big on super duper feminist ladies, so i'm not totally sure where to look. i tend to look up to artists. they relate to my interests, and there aren't any female public figures i can think of that i admire.

hawaiian princess

omg, tara is here. i'm so excited!!!

mm

i'm afraid we'll never be more than we already are