it was the first time he really showed interest in me, ironically.
i inadvertently bled all over his face, but somehow it brought us closer.
we were laying around together, talking, and i got up, and it splashed onto his eye.
i plopped back down on the bed, he put his arms around me, and we got quite a laugh out of it.
that's how it all started.
i thought it was an unusual way to bond, but i was glad it happened.
i was just visiting, he had been living there, in this space station, for quite a while, so i was apprehensive about getting attached. but he said he had been there long enough, he was getting sick of it.
he said he wanted to come back to earth with me.
Monday, December 15, 2008
12/14/2008
i'm infatuated again.
what is it with me and younger guys lately? just the fact that most people my age only ever venture into this county to visit their parents, i'd assume.
this one's only a year or two younger, but i think older would be best for me right now. i need to be encouraged to grow up. i don't really want to, but i feel like i should. regardless, i very badly need a change. and i think i've finally decided where i want to go next.
it's been obvious for a while, but i've been lazily holding out. dreaming of somewhere better, which may not even exist, i don't know, i haven't been to that many places. but i'm extremely sick of this cocoon i've built for myself, as sweet and comfortable as it is. and i have a great option so close by. i can do it.
if i'm gonna remain so childlike, it shouldn't be from any lack of exposure to the real world.
i guess i just think the real world seems kind of shitty. at least the high majority of it. some little bits are beyond fantastic. like this new guy. i'm not really infatuated, actually it's the most simple and old fashioned of crushes. (old fashioned in my style, i don't want him to court me for a year, then ask my father for my hand in marraige). we haven't even touched.
he's quite a man. talented as fuck, and so sexy. ...ah, how i've missed those sexy, gorgeous, drool inducing guys. i don't think i had even seen any in months, other then cam and maybe the stray actor in a movie here and there. i don't know if i'm extremely superficial or what, but i need that. it's the only time sex is really good. i can't fuck, and cuddle and make out with someone i'm not crazily attracted to, (at least not without later sort of wishing i hadn't. even if i go back for more.) and i can't date anyone i can't fuck, cuddle and make out with incessantly. i'm a lustful creature. without that overwhelming attraction, a guy is just a friend. i need someone to lay in bed and listen to music with for hours and hours.. i miss that so much. i feel deprived. i want to go outside and play with the other children. i adore the like, 10 cool people in this town, but it's not enough. my mind is rotting. it's my own fault, almost 100%.. i'm not blaming the town, that's just the way i feel.
so yes.. that would be my sunday night rant, and it may sound whiny and restless, but the moral of this story is that last night i finally made up my mind. i'm just gonna do it. no matter what i'll be better off.
what is it with me and younger guys lately? just the fact that most people my age only ever venture into this county to visit their parents, i'd assume.
this one's only a year or two younger, but i think older would be best for me right now. i need to be encouraged to grow up. i don't really want to, but i feel like i should. regardless, i very badly need a change. and i think i've finally decided where i want to go next.
it's been obvious for a while, but i've been lazily holding out. dreaming of somewhere better, which may not even exist, i don't know, i haven't been to that many places. but i'm extremely sick of this cocoon i've built for myself, as sweet and comfortable as it is. and i have a great option so close by. i can do it.
if i'm gonna remain so childlike, it shouldn't be from any lack of exposure to the real world.
i guess i just think the real world seems kind of shitty. at least the high majority of it. some little bits are beyond fantastic. like this new guy. i'm not really infatuated, actually it's the most simple and old fashioned of crushes. (old fashioned in my style, i don't want him to court me for a year, then ask my father for my hand in marraige). we haven't even touched.
he's quite a man. talented as fuck, and so sexy. ...ah, how i've missed those sexy, gorgeous, drool inducing guys. i don't think i had even seen any in months, other then cam and maybe the stray actor in a movie here and there. i don't know if i'm extremely superficial or what, but i need that. it's the only time sex is really good. i can't fuck, and cuddle and make out with someone i'm not crazily attracted to, (at least not without later sort of wishing i hadn't. even if i go back for more.) and i can't date anyone i can't fuck, cuddle and make out with incessantly. i'm a lustful creature. without that overwhelming attraction, a guy is just a friend. i need someone to lay in bed and listen to music with for hours and hours.. i miss that so much. i feel deprived. i want to go outside and play with the other children. i adore the like, 10 cool people in this town, but it's not enough. my mind is rotting. it's my own fault, almost 100%.. i'm not blaming the town, that's just the way i feel.
so yes.. that would be my sunday night rant, and it may sound whiny and restless, but the moral of this story is that last night i finally made up my mind. i'm just gonna do it. no matter what i'll be better off.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
12/11/2008
SVS 2.0
His hands were all over me as he told me, one item at a time, all that he was going to teach me.
I didn't remember him from before, he must have been a new addition.
I had stumbled back there after so many years (since my mode of transportation had been stolen by a renegade band I lent it to), though they didn't recognize me, due to my no longer being a little girl.
They welcomed me, as I am now, and showed me the ropes of this new adult (or still adolescent) existence of theirs. Especially Claire, who asked me all about my life.
She was so free and beautiful and unafraid when I had known her, I always wanted to grow up to be like that.
It was great, there was art and beer. And all these people I still hadn't forgotten, and now never would.
His hands were all over me as he told me, one item at a time, all that he was going to teach me.
I didn't remember him from before, he must have been a new addition.
I had stumbled back there after so many years (since my mode of transportation had been stolen by a renegade band I lent it to), though they didn't recognize me, due to my no longer being a little girl.
They welcomed me, as I am now, and showed me the ropes of this new adult (or still adolescent) existence of theirs. Especially Claire, who asked me all about my life.
She was so free and beautiful and unafraid when I had known her, I always wanted to grow up to be like that.
It was great, there was art and beer. And all these people I still hadn't forgotten, and now never would.
Monday, December 1, 2008
11/30/2008
I think I'm kinda cartoony. I think I'm exaggerated, but in a subtle way. I think I'm silly. I think I'm friendly. I think I'm sentimental. I think I'm morbidly curious....
I was just thinking last night that I don't spend much time thinking about who I am.
I think a lot about how I feel, about if I'm feeling depressed or out of it at the moment, about if I have enough money to buy beer and moisturizer, about the things I like- music, art, books, etc.., I think about if I'm a bum..and what I should do with my future, and so on... but I don't really think like, "who am I?". I think sort of like it's implied, like it's obvious, and doesn't require ongoing thought.
I don't think I give myself credit for all the good things I am.
I'm a very sweet and affectionate girl. I'm thoughtful.
It makes me feel vulnerable to be sweet, and to care. It's a little scary. I have such a forcefield up. I have for such a long time. At least since I came to this town. I'm not sure if I did before that.
I love to care, I do it naturally, and I've never been hurt too badly, so in theory I shouldn't have such a guard up. But I am extremely sensitive, so maybe it's wise. It's not like I do it on purpose. And I never stop putting myself out there. I hope I never do.
I was just thinking last night that I don't spend much time thinking about who I am.
I think a lot about how I feel, about if I'm feeling depressed or out of it at the moment, about if I have enough money to buy beer and moisturizer, about the things I like- music, art, books, etc.., I think about if I'm a bum..and what I should do with my future, and so on... but I don't really think like, "who am I?". I think sort of like it's implied, like it's obvious, and doesn't require ongoing thought.
I don't think I give myself credit for all the good things I am.
I'm a very sweet and affectionate girl. I'm thoughtful.
It makes me feel vulnerable to be sweet, and to care. It's a little scary. I have such a forcefield up. I have for such a long time. At least since I came to this town. I'm not sure if I did before that.
I love to care, I do it naturally, and I've never been hurt too badly, so in theory I shouldn't have such a guard up. But I am extremely sensitive, so maybe it's wise. It's not like I do it on purpose. And I never stop putting myself out there. I hope I never do.
11/28/2008
i consider myself a realist. or a pessimist, even, at times.. but i live in some kind of fantasy land.
at least i think i do, i'm not sure.
at least i think i do, i'm not sure.
Friday, November 28, 2008
11/28/2008
Girlfriend Guys
Some guys are just girlfriend guys. They always like to be in relationships. I was with one last night, late, after a very nice Thanksgiving with my family, and some drinks with a bunch of girls.
My first serious boyfriend (at 17) was one of them, and it was really nice, we're even still buddies, but I'm thinking it's just really not my thing. Don't get me wrong, I think it's' wonderful that some guys are into monogamy, instead of just fucking around, but something about it feels wrong. Like they can't not be in a relationship.
I've definitely never been a boyfriend girl. I don't just have relationships, I don't want them. Not unless I'm super, super, super crazy about the guy, and that doesn't happen all that often. It's not worth it, or enjoyable for very long, unless I'm MAD about the guy. I don't care about anything really, unless I CARE(!!!). Unless I feel like it's the end of the world if it's not in my life. I like it that way. I love to be passionate, and it gives me a lot of freedom. The things and people I don't care about don't really faze me. I suppose it makes me a bit selfish. I've been breaking hearts these past couple years. I guess it's just my turn.
Some guys are just girlfriend guys. They always like to be in relationships. I was with one last night, late, after a very nice Thanksgiving with my family, and some drinks with a bunch of girls.
My first serious boyfriend (at 17) was one of them, and it was really nice, we're even still buddies, but I'm thinking it's just really not my thing. Don't get me wrong, I think it's' wonderful that some guys are into monogamy, instead of just fucking around, but something about it feels wrong. Like they can't not be in a relationship.
I've definitely never been a boyfriend girl. I don't just have relationships, I don't want them. Not unless I'm super, super, super crazy about the guy, and that doesn't happen all that often. It's not worth it, or enjoyable for very long, unless I'm MAD about the guy. I don't care about anything really, unless I CARE(!!!). Unless I feel like it's the end of the world if it's not in my life. I like it that way. I love to be passionate, and it gives me a lot of freedom. The things and people I don't care about don't really faze me. I suppose it makes me a bit selfish. I've been breaking hearts these past couple years. I guess it's just my turn.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
11/2/2008
Sometimes I panic, and I feel like, "oh my god, I've wasted this whole past year. I haven't accomplished anything since I've been back home! All I've done is bounced around shitty administrative jobs, and consumed a disgustingly large amount of alcohol."
But then I think about it for a minute, and find that that is really not true. I've had plenty of fun. I've spent a lot of time with my family, which makes me really happy. They are so special. I went to China! That's huge for me. Those two things alone would have made the year successful. I've gotten back in touch with some really special old friends. I've played with my dog and kitties. Gone to some fantastic shows. Reacquainted myself with my favorite city.
It wasn't half as productive as I would have liked, but by no means was it a wasted year.
But then I think about it for a minute, and find that that is really not true. I've had plenty of fun. I've spent a lot of time with my family, which makes me really happy. They are so special. I went to China! That's huge for me. Those two things alone would have made the year successful. I've gotten back in touch with some really special old friends. I've played with my dog and kitties. Gone to some fantastic shows. Reacquainted myself with my favorite city.
It wasn't half as productive as I would have liked, but by no means was it a wasted year.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
10/26/2008
Lately when I get frustrated with guys, and lonely, I think about all the perfectly good ones I've thrown away without a second thought. Especially in Olympia, there were so many of them. Lots of losers as well, but some pretty good guys.
I know I'd just get bored with them again, but compared to 97% of the guys I've met in the year I've been back here, I'd feel super lucky just to have one or two of them around to hang out with.
In fact, every single guy I've met during this time, other than two of them, have been a complete and total waste of time. And those two are very far away.
God, you've gotta love the timing.. I've got the tv on in the background, and I still cringe every time I hear the word Beijing. I really miss Cam.
This is all totally my fault, for hanging around here so long. I just don't know where to go next.
I know I'd just get bored with them again, but compared to 97% of the guys I've met in the year I've been back here, I'd feel super lucky just to have one or two of them around to hang out with.
In fact, every single guy I've met during this time, other than two of them, have been a complete and total waste of time. And those two are very far away.
God, you've gotta love the timing.. I've got the tv on in the background, and I still cringe every time I hear the word Beijing. I really miss Cam.
This is all totally my fault, for hanging around here so long. I just don't know where to go next.
10/25/2008
guys are so weird.
it can't be good if i'm the sane one.
more and more often i wonder why i even bother. the guys in this county are so pathetic.
i'd be tempted to throw my shit in the car, and move down to north carolina if it weren't so lame. or at least i imagine i would find it lame.
not that i'd be wanted there.
this one brought out the sadist in me. i had forgotten it was there. he loved it.
i need a shower
it can't be good if i'm the sane one.
more and more often i wonder why i even bother. the guys in this county are so pathetic.
i'd be tempted to throw my shit in the car, and move down to north carolina if it weren't so lame. or at least i imagine i would find it lame.
not that i'd be wanted there.
this one brought out the sadist in me. i had forgotten it was there. he loved it.
i need a shower
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
10/14/2008
Worcester is magical.
Most, (if not all) of the places I used to go are gone, but the Palladium is still there. Filled with over 10 years of fantastic memories.
The Palladium is magical.
Speaking of which, I can't wait for Sasha to get to town. My New York Dana. My good luck charm. I figure she must be- her car has taken me to a sleeping giant, and a 7-11 in China.
-To a cocky man, and a cocky boy, but I wouldn't trade those rides for anything.
Who knows where it will take me next....
Most, (if not all) of the places I used to go are gone, but the Palladium is still there. Filled with over 10 years of fantastic memories.
The Palladium is magical.
Speaking of which, I can't wait for Sasha to get to town. My New York Dana. My good luck charm. I figure she must be- her car has taken me to a sleeping giant, and a 7-11 in China.
-To a cocky man, and a cocky boy, but I wouldn't trade those rides for anything.
Who knows where it will take me next....
10/5/2008
Chappaqua Murders
Only the rarest, and dumbest of murders take place in this little bubble.
No matter how many men murder their wives, we're still the safest little town.
Only the rarest, and dumbest of murders take place in this little bubble.
No matter how many men murder their wives, we're still the safest little town.
10/2/2008
I feel better today.. Who knows why...probably because I don't have a choice. I spent a few days in my pajamas eating pasta, (helped by the fact that I had a couple of days off of work), and now I'm ready to get back to business.
I'm gonna be 24 in a couple of days, I need to stop wasting my life. I'm in my prime. I can't keep wasting away here. It's pathetic. It's sucking the life out of me. It makes me feel terrible about myself.
This is not what I want for myself, and I don't want to pile up any more regrets.
I have enough.
I'm gonna be 24 in a couple of days, I need to stop wasting my life. I'm in my prime. I can't keep wasting away here. It's pathetic. It's sucking the life out of me. It makes me feel terrible about myself.
This is not what I want for myself, and I don't want to pile up any more regrets.
I have enough.
9/2008
the synthetic family
made of vitamins and microwaves
computer chips
inter nets
treadmills
big tvs
money
i pod and cell phone parts
we get our sunlight from supplements
we're man made men
made of vitamins and microwaves
computer chips
inter nets
treadmills
big tvs
money
i pod and cell phone parts
we get our sunlight from supplements
we're man made men
9/13/2008
solitary, and subtly, or not so subtly (self) destructive.
leaving no marks or scars, but nonetheless you can see it when you look at me, or look at my empty life.
leaving no marks or scars, but nonetheless you can see it when you look at me, or look at my empty life.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
10/8/2008
I have so many adventures in my dreams.
In the last couple of weeks alone, I must have been to at least a dozen different countries.
Marveling, taking photos.. planes, cars, boats, rafts.
Algeria, Armenia, China, Romania, Guam, Russia, Portugal...
I want it to be real.
In the last couple of weeks alone, I must have been to at least a dozen different countries.
Marveling, taking photos.. planes, cars, boats, rafts.
Algeria, Armenia, China, Romania, Guam, Russia, Portugal...
I want it to be real.
10/10/2008
My body is the image of my depression. Of my state of being.
It is certainly not all bad, but it's pretty worn and warped in it's ways.
I still think I'm rather pretty -beautiful even- sometimes..but I'm terrified of what I'm doing to my health, my body, with my lifestyle. My depression. My lack of self control. ..the way I sleep, eat, drink... It's not good for me. At all.
It is certainly not all bad, but it's pretty worn and warped in it's ways.
I still think I'm rather pretty -beautiful even- sometimes..but I'm terrified of what I'm doing to my health, my body, with my lifestyle. My depression. My lack of self control. ..the way I sleep, eat, drink... It's not good for me. At all.
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