waiting for the moment to oblige

There are two things that are on my mind today.  There's this idea that's been in my head about losing or finding myself, but I think I've just been confused and hiding away.  When it comes down to it, when I'm left entirely to my own devices, things look pretty damn familiar. I think I am just what I always was, I've just beaten myself down and been lost and sick and resigned in my unhappiness. I've definitely let certain things drag me way down, but I think underneath it all I'm the same.  And I'm glad for that. I'm highly flawed but I like who I am.

The second thing is not all that different.  I have so much energy today and I'm still so flooded with emotions, and by now most of them have nothing to do with mxxx, but it's overwhelming and comes and goes with this crazy intensity. I don't know what to do with it. It's just all about where I am in my life and the fear and sadness I've always felt over the passage of time.  I've always been so bad at being in the present, and when it's over my nostalgia gene goes nuts.  It's really really hard for me to accept only because I have no idea where I'm going and I feel like I've lost so much time. I've always been pretty good at getting what I want, but for so long I've truly had no clue what that is. I want a whole lot of things in a very vague, indirect way, but there are only two things that I very specifically want.  And while I do very much long for these things, I know wholeheartedly that they aren't what I really want in the long run, they're just the best attainable things that are right in front of me.  But I think the only way I'll ever get my head straight is to try as many new things as I can and see where they lead me. New is good. Change is good.  But frustratingly it's a waiting game with both of these new things, no matter how much my limited patience would like to I cannot just swoop in and take what I want, there are a lot of variables and I have to play my cards right. So in the meantime I'll just have to use all this unspent energy on something else.

church mouse

This past week or so has been so much better than the one before it. I've been able to maintain this strange new level of relaxation since the big storm, which has given me a lot of relief. I'm still mildly to extremely concerned about a few things, but not as tightly wound. I have made changes that seem to be sustainable. I've just been so worried about my health and so very sleep deprived that I've put fun on the back burner to some degree, but this week has reminded me to keep having fun. It's awesome and crucial to just let go and be happy when you can. Especially with an increasingly not terrible, but also not super pleasant job taking up so much of my time it's necessary to keep letting loose and not let the routine burn me out. The goal is health, happiness and productivity (or progression, or something like that) and none can wait for the others. I've felt a little more engaged lately, a little more in the world and a little less in my head.  And I've had a lot of fun.
This week has also been nice because without lots and lots of affection and physicality I wither, and I've had a nice few doses. From a dangerous source, but my favorite one. I don't think anyone else could begin to give me what I need right now. This could potentially become problematic, but for now it's ok.
So things feel pretty good at the moment (other than my stomach), I'm just keeping on and reaching for something.