waiting for the moment to oblige

There are two things that are on my mind today.  There's this idea that's been in my head about losing or finding myself, but I think I've just been confused and hiding away.  When it comes down to it, when I'm left entirely to my own devices, things look pretty damn familiar. I think I am just what I always was, I've just beaten myself down and been lost and sick and resigned in my unhappiness. I've definitely let certain things drag me way down, but I think underneath it all I'm the same.  And I'm glad for that. I'm highly flawed but I like who I am.

The second thing is not all that different.  I have so much energy today and I'm still so flooded with emotions, and by now most of them have nothing to do with mxxx, but it's overwhelming and comes and goes with this crazy intensity. I don't know what to do with it. It's just all about where I am in my life and the fear and sadness I've always felt over the passage of time.  I've always been so bad at being in the present, and when it's over my nostalgia gene goes nuts.  It's really really hard for me to accept only because I have no idea where I'm going and I feel like I've lost so much time. I've always been pretty good at getting what I want, but for so long I've truly had no clue what that is. I want a whole lot of things in a very vague, indirect way, but there are only two things that I very specifically want.  And while I do very much long for these things, I know wholeheartedly that they aren't what I really want in the long run, they're just the best attainable things that are right in front of me.  But I think the only way I'll ever get my head straight is to try as many new things as I can and see where they lead me. New is good. Change is good.  But frustratingly it's a waiting game with both of these new things, no matter how much my limited patience would like to I cannot just swoop in and take what I want, there are a lot of variables and I have to play my cards right. So in the meantime I'll just have to use all this unspent energy on something else.