it was the first time he really showed interest in me, ironically.
i inadvertently bled all over his face, but somehow it brought us closer.
we were laying around together, talking, and i got up, and it splashed onto his eye.
i plopped back down on the bed, he put his arms around me, and we got quite a laugh out of it.
that's how it all started.
i thought it was an unusual way to bond, but i was glad it happened.
i was just visiting, he had been living there, in this space station, for quite a while, so i was apprehensive about getting attached. but he said he had been there long enough, he was getting sick of it.
he said he wanted to come back to earth with me.
Monday, December 15, 2008
12/14/2008
i'm infatuated again.
what is it with me and younger guys lately? just the fact that most people my age only ever venture into this county to visit their parents, i'd assume.
this one's only a year or two younger, but i think older would be best for me right now. i need to be encouraged to grow up. i don't really want to, but i feel like i should. regardless, i very badly need a change. and i think i've finally decided where i want to go next.
it's been obvious for a while, but i've been lazily holding out. dreaming of somewhere better, which may not even exist, i don't know, i haven't been to that many places. but i'm extremely sick of this cocoon i've built for myself, as sweet and comfortable as it is. and i have a great option so close by. i can do it.
if i'm gonna remain so childlike, it shouldn't be from any lack of exposure to the real world.
i guess i just think the real world seems kind of shitty. at least the high majority of it. some little bits are beyond fantastic. like this new guy. i'm not really infatuated, actually it's the most simple and old fashioned of crushes. (old fashioned in my style, i don't want him to court me for a year, then ask my father for my hand in marraige). we haven't even touched.
he's quite a man. talented as fuck, and so sexy. ...ah, how i've missed those sexy, gorgeous, drool inducing guys. i don't think i had even seen any in months, other then cam and maybe the stray actor in a movie here and there. i don't know if i'm extremely superficial or what, but i need that. it's the only time sex is really good. i can't fuck, and cuddle and make out with someone i'm not crazily attracted to, (at least not without later sort of wishing i hadn't. even if i go back for more.) and i can't date anyone i can't fuck, cuddle and make out with incessantly. i'm a lustful creature. without that overwhelming attraction, a guy is just a friend. i need someone to lay in bed and listen to music with for hours and hours.. i miss that so much. i feel deprived. i want to go outside and play with the other children. i adore the like, 10 cool people in this town, but it's not enough. my mind is rotting. it's my own fault, almost 100%.. i'm not blaming the town, that's just the way i feel.
so yes.. that would be my sunday night rant, and it may sound whiny and restless, but the moral of this story is that last night i finally made up my mind. i'm just gonna do it. no matter what i'll be better off.
what is it with me and younger guys lately? just the fact that most people my age only ever venture into this county to visit their parents, i'd assume.
this one's only a year or two younger, but i think older would be best for me right now. i need to be encouraged to grow up. i don't really want to, but i feel like i should. regardless, i very badly need a change. and i think i've finally decided where i want to go next.
it's been obvious for a while, but i've been lazily holding out. dreaming of somewhere better, which may not even exist, i don't know, i haven't been to that many places. but i'm extremely sick of this cocoon i've built for myself, as sweet and comfortable as it is. and i have a great option so close by. i can do it.
if i'm gonna remain so childlike, it shouldn't be from any lack of exposure to the real world.
i guess i just think the real world seems kind of shitty. at least the high majority of it. some little bits are beyond fantastic. like this new guy. i'm not really infatuated, actually it's the most simple and old fashioned of crushes. (old fashioned in my style, i don't want him to court me for a year, then ask my father for my hand in marraige). we haven't even touched.
he's quite a man. talented as fuck, and so sexy. ...ah, how i've missed those sexy, gorgeous, drool inducing guys. i don't think i had even seen any in months, other then cam and maybe the stray actor in a movie here and there. i don't know if i'm extremely superficial or what, but i need that. it's the only time sex is really good. i can't fuck, and cuddle and make out with someone i'm not crazily attracted to, (at least not without later sort of wishing i hadn't. even if i go back for more.) and i can't date anyone i can't fuck, cuddle and make out with incessantly. i'm a lustful creature. without that overwhelming attraction, a guy is just a friend. i need someone to lay in bed and listen to music with for hours and hours.. i miss that so much. i feel deprived. i want to go outside and play with the other children. i adore the like, 10 cool people in this town, but it's not enough. my mind is rotting. it's my own fault, almost 100%.. i'm not blaming the town, that's just the way i feel.
so yes.. that would be my sunday night rant, and it may sound whiny and restless, but the moral of this story is that last night i finally made up my mind. i'm just gonna do it. no matter what i'll be better off.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
12/11/2008
SVS 2.0
His hands were all over me as he told me, one item at a time, all that he was going to teach me.
I didn't remember him from before, he must have been a new addition.
I had stumbled back there after so many years (since my mode of transportation had been stolen by a renegade band I lent it to), though they didn't recognize me, due to my no longer being a little girl.
They welcomed me, as I am now, and showed me the ropes of this new adult (or still adolescent) existence of theirs. Especially Claire, who asked me all about my life.
She was so free and beautiful and unafraid when I had known her, I always wanted to grow up to be like that.
It was great, there was art and beer. And all these people I still hadn't forgotten, and now never would.
His hands were all over me as he told me, one item at a time, all that he was going to teach me.
I didn't remember him from before, he must have been a new addition.
I had stumbled back there after so many years (since my mode of transportation had been stolen by a renegade band I lent it to), though they didn't recognize me, due to my no longer being a little girl.
They welcomed me, as I am now, and showed me the ropes of this new adult (or still adolescent) existence of theirs. Especially Claire, who asked me all about my life.
She was so free and beautiful and unafraid when I had known her, I always wanted to grow up to be like that.
It was great, there was art and beer. And all these people I still hadn't forgotten, and now never would.
Monday, December 1, 2008
11/30/2008
I think I'm kinda cartoony. I think I'm exaggerated, but in a subtle way. I think I'm silly. I think I'm friendly. I think I'm sentimental. I think I'm morbidly curious....
I was just thinking last night that I don't spend much time thinking about who I am.
I think a lot about how I feel, about if I'm feeling depressed or out of it at the moment, about if I have enough money to buy beer and moisturizer, about the things I like- music, art, books, etc.., I think about if I'm a bum..and what I should do with my future, and so on... but I don't really think like, "who am I?". I think sort of like it's implied, like it's obvious, and doesn't require ongoing thought.
I don't think I give myself credit for all the good things I am.
I'm a very sweet and affectionate girl. I'm thoughtful.
It makes me feel vulnerable to be sweet, and to care. It's a little scary. I have such a forcefield up. I have for such a long time. At least since I came to this town. I'm not sure if I did before that.
I love to care, I do it naturally, and I've never been hurt too badly, so in theory I shouldn't have such a guard up. But I am extremely sensitive, so maybe it's wise. It's not like I do it on purpose. And I never stop putting myself out there. I hope I never do.
I was just thinking last night that I don't spend much time thinking about who I am.
I think a lot about how I feel, about if I'm feeling depressed or out of it at the moment, about if I have enough money to buy beer and moisturizer, about the things I like- music, art, books, etc.., I think about if I'm a bum..and what I should do with my future, and so on... but I don't really think like, "who am I?". I think sort of like it's implied, like it's obvious, and doesn't require ongoing thought.
I don't think I give myself credit for all the good things I am.
I'm a very sweet and affectionate girl. I'm thoughtful.
It makes me feel vulnerable to be sweet, and to care. It's a little scary. I have such a forcefield up. I have for such a long time. At least since I came to this town. I'm not sure if I did before that.
I love to care, I do it naturally, and I've never been hurt too badly, so in theory I shouldn't have such a guard up. But I am extremely sensitive, so maybe it's wise. It's not like I do it on purpose. And I never stop putting myself out there. I hope I never do.
11/28/2008
i consider myself a realist. or a pessimist, even, at times.. but i live in some kind of fantasy land.
at least i think i do, i'm not sure.
at least i think i do, i'm not sure.
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