12/14/2008

i'm infatuated again.
what is it with me and younger guys lately? just the fact that most people my age only ever venture into this county to visit their parents, i'd assume.
this one's only a year or two younger, but i think older would be best for me right now. i need to be encouraged to grow up. i don't really want to, but i feel like i should. regardless, i very badly need a change. and i think i've finally decided where i want to go next.
it's been obvious for a while, but i've been lazily holding out. dreaming of somewhere better, which may not even exist, i don't know, i haven't been to that many places. but i'm extremely sick of this cocoon i've built for myself, as sweet and comfortable as it is. and i have a great option so close by. i can do it.
if i'm gonna remain so childlike, it shouldn't be from any lack of exposure to the real world.
i guess i just think the real world seems kind of shitty. at least the high majority of it. some little bits are beyond fantastic. like this new guy. i'm not really infatuated, actually it's the most simple and old fashioned of crushes. (old fashioned in my style, i don't want him to court me for a year, then ask my father for my hand in marraige). we haven't even touched.
he's quite a man. talented as fuck, and so sexy. ...ah, how i've missed those sexy, gorgeous, drool inducing guys. i don't think i had even seen any in months, other then cam and maybe the stray actor in a movie here and there. i don't know if i'm extremely superficial or what, but i need that. it's the only time sex is really good. i can't fuck, and cuddle and make out with someone i'm not crazily attracted to, (at least not without later sort of wishing i hadn't. even if i go back for more.) and i can't date anyone i can't fuck, cuddle and make out with incessantly. i'm a lustful creature. without that overwhelming attraction, a guy is just a friend. i need someone to lay in bed and listen to music with for hours and hours.. i miss that so much. i feel deprived. i want to go outside and play with the other children. i adore the like, 10 cool people in this town, but it's not enough. my mind is rotting. it's my own fault, almost 100%.. i'm not blaming the town, that's just the way i feel.
so yes.. that would be my sunday night rant, and it may sound whiny and restless, but the moral of this story is that last night i finally made up my mind. i'm just gonna do it. no matter what i'll be better off.